


The Gold Chronicles Shorts

by Blueknightgirl603 (cjmoliere), cjmoliere, GoldsJRZGirl



Series: The Gold Chronicles [3]
Category: Murder in the First (TV), Once Upon a Time (TV), Tin Man (2007)
Genre: Drama, Family, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2020-03-19 19:44:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18977125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmoliere/pseuds/Blueknightgirl603, https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmoliere/pseuds/cjmoliere, https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldsJRZGirl/pseuds/GoldsJRZGirl
Summary: A collection of short tales from the Gold Chronicles that take place at different points in time with romance, a little drama and a LOT of humor! Also includes outtakes from the Gold Chronicles books and crossovers with the Mishap, Unexpected and Gold Standard series!





	1. The Dust Bunnies Are Coming!

**Storybrooke, Maine**

**2014**

 

When Hope watched her mother clean she always heard her talking about nasty little things called dust bunnies but she never saw them. They seemed to like living in her Daddy's office the most and her Mommy would chase them with her broom. Then when her Daddy came home her Mommy would ask him how many times she told him that he had to stop cluttering up the corners because the dust bunnies would pile up in there. Hope didn't understand how a bunch of bunnies could be comfortable piling up in corners as small as the ones in Daddy's office. How did they eat, sleep or go to the potty? She asked her Mommy this one day.

"Don't you worry, sweetie. You'll never have to see those nasty little things."

"Cause you chase em with the broom?"

"Because I chase them with my broom." her mother affirmed.

"Are they ugly, Mommy?"

"Very ugly."

"Then I'm glad I don't see 'em."

Later that night she had a dream that she heard something growling in the corner of her room. The little girl crawled out of bed and tip toed over to the corner. A big grey bunny popped out of the corner, saliva dripping from its fangs and its eyes glowing fire red.

"I'm gonna get you and I'm gonna eat you up," it taunted.

The child sat upright in bed and screamed, the noise bringing her parents running into the room. She threw herself into her father's arms while Belle turned on the lamp.

"Hope, sweetheart, what's the matter?" he asked worriedly.

"It was just a bad dream sweetie," Belle soothed as she stroked the little girl's back.

"No it wasn't," she wailed. "It...it said it was gonna eat me!"

"What was?"

"A...a...dust bunny!"

Rumple frowned at his wife. "Belle! Exactly how did you describe dust bunnies to our daughter that makes her afraid they'll eat her?"

"I didn't!" she protested. "I just said they were nasty and ugly and we wouldn't have them if you'd keep your office corners unclutterd," she reminded him angrily.

"It is nasty!" Hope cried. "It has fangs, red eyes and its fur sticks up and looks greasy like it doesn't wash it! We gotta get Mommy's broom so's she can chase it away and Daddy...you gots to keep the trash outta your office corner so's they go away!"

Rumple slapped his forehead with his hand. "I don't believe this! Hope, if I show you what a real dust bunny looks like I promise you it's not gonna eat you."

"O...Okay..." she said softly.

Rumple waved his hand, conjuring a dust bunny.

Hope gazed up at it. "Daddy...what is that?"

"This is what your Mommy calls a dust bunny. It's made up of a bunch of nonliving stuff...spider webs, dirt, hair, lint even trash and it is not going to eat you."

"Ewww!" The little girl wrinkled her nose in disgust. "That's gross! Daddy, you gots to keep your office corners clean 'cause I don't wanna see those nasty things."

"And I hate having to pick them out of my broom!" Belle grumbled.

"Huh? They gets stuck in your broom?" Hope asked her mother.

"Yes they do."

"Ewwww!"

"All right. Now that you've seen what they are, do you believe me when I tell you they can't eat you?" Rumple inquired.

"Uh huh."

"Now it's time for you to go back to sleep."

"We gotta get Mommy's broom first."

"Why?"

"Cause you got a dust bunny in your hand and we need the broom to make it go away."

Rumple made the dust bunny vanish. "There. All gone. Now get back to sleep."

"Ummm...Daddy if you can make 'em go poof, why does Mommy hafta chase 'em with the broom?"

"So I can tell Daddy he has to keep clutter out of the corners." Belle teased.

"Did he have lotsa cluttered corners in the big castle?"

Belle chuckled. "Yes he did."

"Didya yell at him?"

"Oh, all the time."

"If you two are finished, you should be getting back to sleep Hope Marie." her father said. They kissed their daughter goodnight and tucked her into bed. Once they were back in their own bed, Rumple scowled at his wife. "Wonderful, dearie! Now our daughter thinks I'm a slob!"

"Well if you would stop being such a hoarder we wouldn't have a dust bunny problem in the first place," she scolded. "I'm warning you Rumplestiltskin, one of these day I am going to call Blue and ask her to send her donation truck over here because I won't have any more clutter in my house. Thank the gods you don't have this problem in our house in Florida."

He cringed, dreading the day Mrs. Potts would tell her about the room in the summer mansion's third floor….


	2. Poof In Case of Emergency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope scares her parents, big brother and half of Storybrooke when she goes missing!

**Storybrooke Maine**

**2015**

Hope Gold had to use the potty...badly. Unfortunately, she was in the mall with her big brother Bae and she didn't like going in the public potty because she'd heard her parents discussing how filthy some public potties were. They were in the Disney store and Bae was telling her to pick out something she wanted for her birthday. She couldn't decide whether she wanted the Little Mermaid shirt or the Belle shirt. She'd been fascinated with both fairy tales for as long as she could remember and. She didn't know how she knew but she knew her Mommy was the Belle from the story, only prettier and her Daddy was supposed to be The Beast. He wasn't a beast, except when he got mad and most of the time people made him mad because they did something stupid.

Hope was getting worried. She still couldn't decide what she wanted but she really had to go and it wasn't going to wait until she got home. Remembering that her father sometimes poofed into purple smoke, Hope concentrated until she did it herself and she was in the bathroom at her father's shop.

Rumple and Belle had just finished signing for new shipments to their shop when Rumple's cellphone rang. It was Baelfire and he was frantic.

"Papa...I...I can't find Hope!" he cried.

"What?!" Rumple exclaimed. "Bae...where are you?"

"I'm in the mall. Papa, I swear to God I only took my eyes off her a second and she was gone. I'm looking for her and I called Wyatt. He and Emma are on their way over here to look for her now. Papa, I'm so sorry."

"Rumple...oh my God...we have to find her!" Belle cried.

"We will, sweetheart, we will," he assured her although he was terrified himself. Storybrooke grew in the years since his daughter was born bringing refugees from the other realms and there were some of them he didn't trust, especially with his precious children. "Bae, I want you to call me immediately if you find her!"

"I will Papa."

Rumple grabbed his coat and he and Belle were about to leave the shop when they heard the commode flushing in the backroom, both confused as they were the only ones on the premises. They went to the backroom to investigate and were shocked when their daughter walked out of the bathroom.

"Hope!" Belle sobbed and threw her arms around her daughter and Rumple embraced both of them.

"Hope, sweetheart, how...how did you get here?" Rumple inquired.

"I had to poof," the child answered.

"Poop?"

"Not poop...poof. Poof!" she corrected. "Y'know...like this," she said and vanished into smoke, then reappeared. "I poofed like you do." she declared proudly.

"Don't do that again. You have your brother worried sick!" Rumple scolded. "Why did you vanish like that?"

"I had to potty and the public potties are nasty. You and Mommy say so."

"Next time young lady, you go to the potty where you're at...and have someone put one of those covers on the seat. No more poofing! Understand?"

"Mommy..."

"You heard Daddy. No poofing," Belle said sternly.

A police siren was heard outside and Bae entered the shop followed by Wyatt and Emma.

"Hope?" Bae gasped when he saw his sister and hugged her. "H...How did you get here?"

"I poofed," she announced.

"She what?" Wyatt said.

"Y'know Mister Cain...I poofed like you, DG, Az an Archie." she said.

Wyatt glanced over at Rumple. "Poofed? Ummm...what does she mean by that?"

"She teleported using magic. Which she will not be doing again. Isn't that right, Hope?" Rumple demanded.

"Uh huh."

"Now you apologize to Sheriff Cain, Emma and Bae," Belle instructed.

"Umm...M'sorry Mister Cain, Emma...Bae." she said nervously.

"Rumple, you really do have your hands full now, don't you?" Emma teased.

"Don't remind me," he muttered.

"If your child can do that at her age, I don't even want to think about what my kid is gonna do!" Wyatt cried. DG was six months pregnant with their second child and the child was likely to be like they were.

"Be prepared, dearie, because a magical child will keep you on your toes. Trust me...I have two of them and two others who can use it when they want to...plus my grandson."

"And Dottie and I have dragon blood..." he moaned.

"Oh God, Papa, is this what I have to look forward to with any more kids I have?" Bae groaned.

"They would be Strogoffs so yes." Rumple reminded him.

"I need a drink."

"Make that two. Emma, you're in charge for the rest of the day...we're going to The Rabbit Hole," Wyatt informed his deputy and the three of them left.

"Vile joint," Rumple muttered under his breath. "Come on, let's go home." he said as he picked up Hope.


	3. Why Don't You Get a Job?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sixteen year old Henry wants a car...but first he has to get a job!

Now that he was sixteen and had his license, Henry Mills Gold wanted his own car and had plenty of people in the family he could ask to get one. The first person he asked was Regina. She didn't feel he was ready for a car of his own yet and refused his request. The next person he asked was Emma. She was in complete agreement with Regina...he wasn't ready to have his own car. Desperate, Henry approached his father whose response stunned him.

"Why can't I have my own car? A lot of other kids have their own cars now!" Henry protested.

"Why don't you get a job?" Bae countered.

"What for?"

"What for? If you get a job you can buy your own car and learn to be responsible. You're not a child anymore Henry. It's time you started learning to live like an adult. In two years you'll be one and believe me, nowadays, you want to start working early How do you expect to become a chef if you sit around on the computer or play on the X-Box all day? You need experience and you can't learn all of that at home."

"I'll just ask Grandpa to get me a car."

"And they'll both tell you the same thing, at least I know my father will." Bae said confidently. "You want a car, you get a job. End of discussion."

Henry didn't feel he was ready to start working but he did want a car so that he could take Grace out on dates. He was almost positive his father was right about what Rumple's response would be to his car request but he decided to try anyway.

"Grandpa, I'd really like a car." he began.

"And how are you planning on paying for it?" Rumple asked.

"Well, I was wondering if you would..ah...get it for me."

"Seek employment and we'll talk about it."

"Aw, come on! Not you too!" Henry whined.

"Yes, me too. Did you honestly think you could get me to undermine your parents on this issue? I think not. And don't even bother trying to wheedle Snow and Charming into getting you one either. I'll make you a deal: if you can get a job and I receive good reports from your employer for...let's say six months to start, I'll give you a loan towards the purchase of a car that you can pay back in installments every month. If you miss a payment, I take the car until the payment's made. You miss too may payments and you don't get it back. Deal?"

Henry shook his hand. "Deal."

Henry focused his job search on restaurants and the first place he went to was Granny's.

"I'll start you out as a busser. That means you have to set tables, clean them off, and bring the dirty dishes back here to get washed. If we're backed up in the kitchen you'll be expected to run them through the dishwasher and make sure they're clean and dry before you put them away. I expect you to be doing something your entire shift. I don't pay people to stand around. Nor do I pay them to chit chat with their friends when they come in," Granny said sternly. "If you can flap your gums fast you can move your feet even faster. Aaron, can you come in here, please?"

Aaron was one of the Lost Boys his parents and grandparents brought back from Neverland. Now that he was no longer living in Neverland, he and his fellow Lost Boys were aging normally and the boy was now eighteen and had been working for Granny for two years.

"Aaron is going to be your trainer for your first two weeks. After that, you'll be on your own. Our servers wear uniforms but the bussers need only wear red shirts and black slacks. You can purchase those anywhere. As for shoes, your sneakers will do."

"C'mon Henry," Aaron said and led the boy back to the lunchroom. "Granny has a locker for each of us to keep our stuff in while we're working. You'll have to buy your own padlock though."

"Okay," Henry mumbled. It was a lot to take in but he kept reminding himself that he was doing it to get the car he wanted.

Aaron took him back to the break room and handed him a stack of papers, explaining what each one was. He was also informed he would have to have a drug test done. He was stunned. Surely Granny knew he wasn't involved in that but as his mothers pointed out, as the people of Storybrooke were still adjusting to living in this world, some of them tended to pick up its bad habits as well and there were rumors that kids were getting drugs from Boston or getting high off common household items. The last time his uncle Diego was in Storybrooke he suggested expanding the police force to include a vice unit and offered to train the officers along with Victoria and Julianne.

He filled out as many of the papers as he could but the one called a W-4 confused him. His grandfather asked him to stop by his shop on the way home from work that and he decided he would get Rumple's help filling the complex form out. After he finished, he followed Aaron into the kitchen as the other busser explained where all of the equipment he would use was and how to operate them and then it was time to go out on the floor.

Nearly all of Granny's regular customers were surprised to see Henry actually working a blue collar job when most of his family, especially his father's side was considerably wealthy. When Rumple and Belle walked into the diner, Happy actually asked him about it.

"He's learning responsibility and what it means to work for what you want, not have it handed to you," Rumple explained. "It's how his father grew up, how I grew up and how his mother Emma grew up." When he saw Granny, he asked to meet with her in her office, asking her to send him regular reports on his grandson's job performance. She agreed, pleased that Rumple and the rest of the family was making sure the boy wasn't a spoiled brat unlike most of the other moderately wealthy kids in town.

His first day on the job he learned quickly that some people were worse than pigs and he was having a hard time trying to keep the tables clear of dirty dishes as they were constantly piling up since Granny had her buffet installed. It cut down on the wait time from food from the kitchen but when he saw how much food people stacked on their plates at one time or how many plates they had at one time he had to wonder where they put it all. And they spilled anything and everything on the tabletops. It was not easy to disguise the disgust on his face.

"Oh you think that's bad...wait til you get put on bathroom duty," Aaron was saying whole they loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. "And...believe me, the ladies room can look just as disgusting as the mens' room."

Since he was still a minor, he was only scheduled a short shift but he was exhausted by the time he got home. Thankfully he'd gotten his homework done before he went to work or he would've been rushing to get it done before school the next morning. He stopped by Rumple's shop the next day after school to have him help him fill out the W-4 form.

"You mean I gotta pay taxes?"

"You may not make enough during the year that you'll need to but eventually you'll join the rest of us who have to make our kickbacks to the government and if you aren't paying in enough by the end of the year, you'll be paying a huge kickback. You get taxed three ways...by the state...this town and by the federal government and all of them come out of your paycheck. Then you'll need to start thinking about getting life insurance, medical, dental, vision, starting a 401k...and those get deducted too."

"Holy crap Grandpa, if I get all that taken out in one check, do I have any money left?"

"You should...and if you pay too much in taxes during the year you can get a refund at the end of the year. That's what most people do. Now then, if you budget your money wisely, you should be able to build up a hefty savings for the things you want to do."

He'd been working at the diner a month when he was assigned bathroom duty over the weekend. The other servers and bussers gave him sympathetic looks as he rolled the mop cart into the ladies' room along with the cart that held his cleaning supplies. When he opened the first stall he understood what his coworkers were talking about. It was an absolute mess as it appeared someone either lost control of their bodily functions or just decided to be a smartass. Either way the boy was gagging as he wiped down the walls and scrubbed the commode. Ever since outsiders started coming to their little town, they brought their bad manners and filthy habits with them. The horror only got worse when he went to change the trash, nearly choking on the stench of a dirty diaper...and other things that should have placed somewhere else! When the ladies restroom was clean, he rolled his mop cart into the mens' room and cringed when he saw the mess that awaited him. Someone had clogged one of the commodes with paper towels and the bowl was filled with filth. Also someone had missed the urinal and now there was a puddle of urine on the floor. He managed to get the commode unclogged and the rest of the room cleaned again but he was incensed by what he'd seen. Aaron warned him this was typical of people who came in during the weekend...after they'd been at the bar of course. He said it was usually worse for the overnight shift. When Granny was still in change of the diner it closed at 10 PM. Now that Ruby had taken over, she kept it open all night except for holidays. Profits increased but so did the problems caused by the drunks staggering out of the Rabbit Hole with huge appetites and loud mouths. Henry vowed he would never work an overnight shift in the diner if he could help it.

Except for a few bumps in the road, such as the time he accidentally spilled something on a customer while he was trying to clean the table, overloading the cart and breaking a few dishes, swearing on the floor loud enough for customers to hear and being late once, his grandfather was receiving good reports from Granny about his job performance. When his six month trial period was up, his parents and grandparents took him to purchase his first car. It was an emotional day, mostly for Bae, Emma and Regina as they realized that their little boy was becoming a man. Henry had also taken his grandfather's advice to heart and budgeted his money carefully, making certain he set aside enough to make his loan payments to Rumple as well as have some left over to buy things he wanted or needed and to take Grace out.

Once summer rolled around and it was time to go to Florida, Henry was faced with a decision. He didn't want to leave his job at Granny's because he needed the money to make his loan payment but he also enjoyed spending the summer months in the sun. Ruby assured him that he would still have his job when he returned but she also suggested he try to find a job in Florida as well. There were plenty of restaurants in Juno Beach but most of them served alcohol and he wasn't allowed to work in them until he was twenty-one. He finally decided to work at Dunkin' Doughnuts. It was different and its customers were different but still a learning experience for the teenager.

"I'll tell you what," Miranda Santanna, one of his grandfather Rumple's friends proposed when she was at their summer home one night for dinner, "when you turn eighteen why not spend the year here in Florida and I'll start teaching you the restaurant business at Casa Miranda?"

"That's an excellent idea," Regina said.

"Will you?" Henry asked hopefully.

"Of course. I realize it is a long drive from here to Miami..."

"I don't care. I want to learn."

"It's nice to see a boy born into wealth learning to make his own living," Miranda said to Rumple. "It will also make him a more responsible adult."

"That was the idea, dearie but the credit's not mine. His parents were the ones who pushed him to get a job."

"Hey, we all had to do it...'cept for Regina," Bae said.

"Excuse me? And you think taking care of a horse isn't work?"

Emma laughed. "Picturing you shoveling horse crap...is just hilarious."

"Oh you wait. Catch me at the wrong time and you may find said horse crap on your head!"

Although Henry was starting to miss the excitement he had during his childhood years, he was certain his family would find ways to make his adulthood just as interesting.


	4. Archie's Adventures In Gardenland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Archie accidently shrinks himself and has a little adventure in his garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these one shots like this one are told in first person.

I rarely use my magic when I’m tending my garden but the changing weather wreaked havoc with my plants in the spring and summer months. The poor things were either too hot or too cold and needed extra care. Some I needed to bring inside but to do that I had to use a spell Dellia was more skilled at; shrinking.

I waved my hands over the plants I wanted to shrink but a car backfired on the street breaking my concentration and suddenly I was Alice or in this case Archie in Gardenland and too exhausted to reverse the spell myself. I was also feeling a bit like Tony Nelson in that episode of I Dream of Jeannie and did not want to become Stray Cat Lunch.

I couldn’t even call Dellia because I left my phone in the house and trying to use it when I was no bigger than an app button on it would be a nightmare. Still I was hoping she would sense something was amiss through our bond and come looking for me.

My garden was now a jungle I had to try to navigate my way through to get somewhere safe until Dellia came home. I could hear some of the flowers laughing at me and yes they do laugh, while I walked by them. I would forgive them this time.

“Are you hungry? You can share my dirt pie,” a worm offered.

“Ummm...thanks but I just ate.”

“If you change your mind I have that and some dirt roast.”

“Maybe later.”

“Hey move over! You’re blockin the road!”

I suddenly found myself in the middle of an ant traffic jam. There were at least a dozen of them marching along the path I was on carrying crumbs they found either on the sidewalk or by rooting through my trashcan.

“Why don’t you guys make two lanes or split up instead of bunching up like that?” I suggested.

“Why don’t you mind your own business?”

“Look all I’m saying is you’ll get where you’re going faster if you make two lines or go in opposite directions.”

I felt like my younger brother for moment but I don’t recall David ever mentioning whether he worked traffic duty as a cop and if he did I don’t know how he managed it if the drivers were as stubborn as these ants.

A few of them started talking and what I said must’ve sunken in because they formed two lines and started marching in opposite directions. I left them to their business and continued my journey through my garden Amazon wishing my spell shrunk Hendrix for me to drive through it.

“Hey Archie, one of your spells mess up again?”

“Ha ha very funny Otis!”

Otis is a spider who could make a career for himself as a stand up comic if he would take me up on my offer to make him human once in a while but he’s happy doing his routines on Friday nights under my windowboxes. Most of his jokes are about the group of flies he calls the Pink Elephants. I guess they got the nickname after they flew into my beer during one of my backyard cookouts this summer and forgot that you don’t drink and fly.

“You comin to the show on Friday?”

“Yeah if you make it for after the twins' bedtime.”

“I always do. Been workin on new material. And you gotta see the new web! Right up your alley. Psychedelic colors.”

“You been stealing Az’s thread again?”

“A piece here and there.”

“It better BE thread too because if you get me stuck again Dellia is gonna stick you to flypaper!”

“They don’t make that stuff anymore do they?”

“She can.”

“No thanks. Don’t wanna make her mad. Sorry, gotta run. Got lunch waitin in the old web! I'd share but you'd freak out."

"I don't feel like eating flies today. Or any other day for the matter. See you Friday Otis."

Now that my grass was twice my size I had no idea where I was and how close I was to the house and though I was a great shape, magical drain puts as much strain on the body as an actual workout but now was not the time to take a nap.

I spotted one of the bees flying overhead and flagged him down.

"Ummm...would you mind giving me a ride back to the house?"

"What do I look like? Cricket wannabe taxi service? Fly yourself back."

"I would if I could. Come on Benny, it's not like you're doing anything important right now."

"Yeah I am. See ya later," he laughed and flew away.

"Oh yeah, well your honey tastes like crap!" I yelled back. He cursed. "Same to you jerk!"

Benny was the nastiest bee in his hive, so nasty that even the Queen couldn't stand him and sooner or later she was going to toss him out on his butt.

Moments later I heard footsteps and turned around to see my now tiny wife standing beside me.

“Archie, what are you doing?”

“Umm honey, I shrunk myself!” I quipped.

“How many times have I told you not to do that spell unless I’m here?”

“More than I can count but I got distracted by someone’s car backfiring. Probably Grumpy’s. Needs to have it fixed.”

“We need to get back to the house so you can rest.”

“Will you be joining me?”

“I...oh you know I can never say no when you look at me like that. I just put the twins down for their nap.”

“So Mommy and Daddy will take one too.”

She clapped her hands and teleported us back to the house in our normal sizes. Once we were in our room I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open but the last image I had before closing them was my Dellia lying beside me, her hand on my chest. I couldn’t think of a better ending to my little adventure.


	5. Perfect Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumple and Belle discover their youngest son has eyesight issues and Rumple worries it may be punishment for his past sins as the Dark One

Even before he was born, Nathaniel Strogoff Gold was a quiet soul. The time before his birth had been an easy one for Belle as he was not a very active baby and even his birth itself had been quick with very little pain. It seemed that while his eldest sister possessed the devious sides of their parents' personalities, Nathaniel had their more gentle traits. Of course, once in a while his devious side would come out but only if he was upset or he wanted to impress his big sister.

Belle and Rumple, knowing that Nathaniel like Hope was a pure true love child, had no reason to believe there was anything wrong with him. When he was learning to walk, he did stumble a bit and had a tendency to bump into things but so had Hope when she was learning but Nathan, as his parents called him did it all the time. And if either of them was standing right in front of him, Nathan would walk right past them and hug whatever he came face to face with thinking it was one of his parents.

"Belle...I think there's something wrong with his eyes," Rumple said worriedly one day when he reached for his son just before Nathan was about to jump off the sofa.

"It could just be..."

"No, sweetheart, I don't think so. We've been so wrapped up in thinking he's perfect that we've been missing all the signs. It's not just that he bumps into everything or walks right past us when we try to get him to come to us. His hand to eye coordination is off. How many times have we watched him eat and saw that he misses his mouth...it's all the time."

"All right. We'll go have him seen by a doctor."

They took him to a specialist in Boston. The couple waited anxiously while the doctor performed his examination on their son. When he was finished he handed the child back to his father.

"Nathaniel has what is commonly known as crossed eyes or strabismus. Basically while most people's eyes line up at the same time to focus on objects...his do not because the muscles in his eyes are not working together as they should which leads to one eye looking at one thing while the other eye looks at another and confusing his brain. Children tend to ignore what their seeing in their weaker eye because that is the command the brain is sending to them," the doctor explained.

"How did it happen?" Rumple asked calmly while inside he felt that somehow it was his fault...another punishment for his past.

"I'm convinced he was born with it but don't be alarmed. His muscle control issues can be corrected."

"Does he have to have surgery?" Belle asked fearfully. "He's just a baby...only a year old."

"I'd like to try glasses on him first and if that doesn't help to correct the issue then yes, surgery will be needed."

"Oh Rumple," Belle sobbed, burying her face in his shoulder.

"Do what needs to be done," Rumple said.

When they returned home Rumple retreated to the basement to spin at his spinning wheel. He was so focused on his work that he didn't notice the wheel was stopped and he looked up to see Belle standing there, frowning. "This is not your fault and it is not a punishment so I want you to stop thinking it right now!" she scolded. He lowered his head. "Rumple...look at me," she pleaded, cupping his chin in her hands. "Not everything can be perfect darling and neither can everyone but Nathan is perfect enough for us. We have to be strong for each other and especially our son."

He stood up and kissed her then followed her upstairs to find their son in the middle of a temper tantrum, his glasses on the floor and his toys thrown everywhere.

"No sooner did you leave that he tore them off and started howling like a banshee on fire," Evangeline explained. "My lord, I expected a fit like this from Hope, not him."

"Nathan, you need to wear these...come on dearie," Rumple said gently catching the boy in his arms and attempting to put the glasses back on. "Nathan...owwww!" he cried when the child bit him in arm and escaped only to be caught by Belle who gave the child a swat that stopped him in his tracks.

"No more biting. It's bad!" Belle scolded gently. The child looked over at his father and burst into tears then hugged him. The child was still learning to talk but his actions often said more than his words, just like his mother.

Later that night as they had during the Christmas season since Hope was born and even before her birth Rumple and Belle would bundle their children and themselves into their warmest clothing and drive around Storybrooke looking at the decorated houses at night. Hope was excited and pointed out everything she could see at each house while her small brother sat in silence. Now that his parents knew the reason for it, it broke their hearts even more for some of the houses were decorated beautifully. It seemed that even with the glasses, Nathan's eyesight showed little improvement and he was scheduled for surgery months later. He didn't dare attempt a magical remedy out of fear of doing worse damage to his precious boy.

"You're going to be all right, dearie," Rumple said softly as he gently kissed his son's cheek shortly after he'd been put to sleep for the surgery. "Mommy and Daddy will be right here when you wake up."

"He's gonna be fine, Papa," Bae assured him while he and Emma sat with them in the waiting room.

"Thank you...for being here. I know you have a lot to do."

"Doctors here can work their own magic, Papa. Nate's going to be okay. He's a strong kid like you and Belle."

Although the surgery process hadn't taken long, their young son's recovery was not so. he had to be closely monitored after the surgery so that he didn't rub his eyes, a habit he had since he was a baby and he fussed when they tried to put his eye drops in so that he didn't develop any infections. There was some improvement in his eyesight after the surgery but he still needed to wear his glasses. Once the child realized he saw better with them, he stopped fussing.

"Nathan, Hope...come on, get your coats on! We're going to see the lights!" Belle called out. It was Christmastime again and several houses in Storybrooke already decorated for the season. "Come on, Daddy's waiting!" she urged. The two toddlers raced down the hall and grabbed their mother's hands. When they got outside their father was already sitting in the driver's seat of the Cadillac with the heater turned on.

"Why we goin' out in the cold?" Nathan asked.

"Cause we're gonna see the lights." Hope answered.

"Huh? Where lights?"

"Daddy's gonna take us to 'em."

"Where lights Daddy?"

"All over Storybrooke, dearie," he said softly.

"They pretty?"

"You'll see," Hope said with a grin.

The first stop they made was to Mifflin Street. Regina and Robin Hood finished decorating the house that morning and turned the lights on as soon as darkness fell. Rumple stopped the car and got out holding Nathan's hand while Belle held Hope's. Hope had been instructed to keep quiet until her brother showed some response to what he was seeing.

"Daddy...lookie...snowman!" Nathan exclaimed, pointing at a light up snowman in the yard.

"Yes..." Rumple croaked as he wept. "There's a snowman in the yard."

"Oooo...tree..." he went on, leading his father over to a lighted tree."See Daddy? Pretty!" He let go of his father's hand then ran over to his mother and Hope. "Mommy, you see the tree?"

"I see it sweetie," Belle murmured, in tears herself.

"You see it?" he asked his sister.

"Uh huh. Can I take him around, Daddy?"

"Yes but you both stay where Mommy and I can see you," he cautioned his daughter.

"I will. C'mon Nate!"

When the children walked away, their overjoyed parents embraced each other while they cried. That was how Regina found them when she opened the door to see who was at her house.

"Rumple, Belle? What's wrong?"

"My boy...he can see your lights now, Regina. He...never could before." Rumple answered hoarsely.

"I didn't know...I'm sorry," she said softly. "That's quite a big secret to keep Rumple. I knew he must've had some sort of eyesight issues when I saw him with glasses and but I had no idea it was that severe. I just assumed that since he was a true love baby he was perfect."

"He's perfect enough for us," Belle said softly and Rumple couldn't agree more.

"Auntie Gina, you got snowman here!" Nathan exclaimed when he and Hope returned. "An a deer, an trees an Santa...an the mean ole Grinch!" he said, indicating an inflatable Grinch.

Regina smiled. "So you like my decorations, Nathan?"

"Uh huh! Pretty!"

"There's more inside too," she said.

"Can we go an see Daddy? Huh? Can we?" Nathan asked.

Rumple smiled as he picked up his excited so. "If Auntie Regina says we can."

"Of course you can. I'll even make some hot chocolate."

"Goody!"

Nathan was racing around the room pointing out every decoration he saw as soon as Rumple set him on his feet inside the house, dragging his older sister behind him. Rumple watched him, smiling softly. Yes, he was perfect enough for them and loved just as much as the rest of his siblings.

Author's Notes: This story is inspired by events in my own childhood as I have the same condition young Nathan does.


	6. Nathan's Special Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumple and Belle's son Nathan learns he has a special bond with animals

The summer Hope was five and Nathaniel three Rumple and Belle resumed one of the plans they made when they married: Rumple wanted his beloved wife to see as much of this new world they now called their home as possible. They had already been in England at the request of Diego, only it was to do a little ghostbreaking first. Still, they managed to find some time to do some sightseeing. Belle's Facebook timeline showed post after post of their travels complete with beautiful pictures as well as videos. Rumple had been a bit nervous about being in front of the camera during their first vacation in Florida but now he was used to it. They had at last made the trip to their best friend Fiona's grand castle in Scotland named Ballyloch but before they did, they spent some time in Perth, mostly at the Active Kids Adventure Park. It was during their visit there that the 'D' word had been brought up by both of their children. They wanted a dog. Belle already knew her husband was a dog person after seeing him interact with Pongo and he'd told her he'd gotten to know a sheepdog in the Forest years before. They made a family agreement before leaving Scotland that they would visit the Storybrooke Pet Shelter and find a dog to adopt.

"Well, look who's back!" Charming exclaimed as the family walked into the pet shelter. He'd gone back to work there a year after Emma and Bae's weddng.

"We're here to get a doggie!" Nathan said excitedly.

"Oh, are you? Well, we have plenty of dogs here that need good homes and I know any one you choose will be well taken care of." He looked up at Rumple. "Are you sure you're ready for that, Rumple?"

"Well, I can never say no to my children...or my wife for that matter," he answered. "All right imps, let's go find a dog."

Charming led them to the room where they kept the dogs. Hope and Nathan looked each other sadly as they saw the dogs in cages, not thinking it was fair. The dogs hadn't done anything wrong, they didn't need to be in jail. They wished they could take them all home but their father was firm in his decision that they could only get one dog.

While they were all standing in the middle of the room Charming explained that all of the animals the shelter had taken in came from outside the town line. Rumple wasn't in the least bit surprised by this bit of information. Storybrooke was becoming a safe haven for all sorts of beings now. Belle was horrified as she looked at some of the dogs and saw that they showed signs of being mistreated. Charming pulled her and Rumple aside and informed them of some of the things he'd seen that disturbed him.

Something strange was happening to Nathan. He could hear dozens of voices in his head again as he did at the Adventure Park in Scotland and sometimes when he passed Archie and Pongo on the street but didn't know where they were coming from. They weren't coming from his parents, sister or Uncle Charming...he knew that at least.

Please don't think that just because we're in cages, we're not happy here. Charming and his assistants take good care of us. And we'd all like to go home with you but I'm sure there are other people who can take us to their homes too...we'd just have to visit you.

"Huh?" Nathan asked allowed. "Who's talking to me?"

Look over here...in the corner by the door.

Nathan could see a chocolate labrador in a cage by the door as the voice indicated.

"You...you're talking to me...in my head?"

Yes. You are a true love child Nathan and all true love children have special gifts. Yours is the ability to communicate with us...the animals. You inherited it from your father...and your mother to some extent. Even when he was under the curse, he was always kind to the animals and learned to communicate with them. Now he has passed the gift onto you.

Nathan sat down in front of the cage. "Do you want to come home with me?" he asked the dog.

I would like to but I'm not meant to, dear child. The pets that are meant to be yours will make themselves known to you.

"You mean I'm gonna have more than one? Daddy only said we could have one."

He will change his mind. Nothing is more important to your father than your happiness and these pets will make your home complete. He will understand and that is why he will change his mind.

"What's your name?"

Hershey.

"Like the candy?"

The Lab barked aloud in response. Like the candy bar.

"Nate, are you talking to the dog?" Hope asked as she approached.

Hello, Hope.

The five year old jumped back. "Nate, did you hear that? He talked to me!"

"Uh-huh. He talks to me too, in here. Says Daddy can do it too." Nathan said, tapping his head. "An he also says they don't feel like they're in jail here 'cause David takes good care of 'em."

"Does he wanna come home with us?"

"He says he's not meant to but others will."

"Daddy said one dog."

"He's gonna change his mind...that's what Hershey thinks."

"Hershey? Like the candy bar?"

"Uh-huh."

They spent a few more minutes with the dog, chatting back and forth, the two children promising Hershey that they would speak to everyone they could to try to find the dog a good home before they moved onto to the next cage. They almost didn't realize there was a dog in there because he was so small but as soon as the brown Chihuahua spotted them he lifted his head and his small tail wagged back and forth in excitement. The dog stood up. Upon closer inspection the two children noticed that the dog's front paws were disfigured yet he seemed to be able to walk with them. He ran over to the front of the cage and stuck his head out between the bars to brush against Nathan's hand.

Hi! I want to play. Will you play with me?

The two children laughed. "Aww he's cute!" Hope giggled. "And look Nate...he gets around real good even if his front paws don't work right!"

I can do all sorts of stuff! I'll show you.

"Why don't your front feet work?" Nathan asked curiously

I was born this way but I can still play. You have any toys? I like toys!

Nathan smiled and waved his hand, a toy bone appearing in it. He stuck the bone into the cage. The dog picked it up with his teeth then set it down, sitting back on his haunches and looking up at the two children. They smiled.

"Daddy, we want this one!" they cried out. Rumple and Belle walked over to the cage.

"Oh, Rumple! Look at his legs! What did they do to him!?" Belle asked in horror.

"He says he was born that way, Mommy," Nathan explained.

"Nathan, does he talk to you?" Rumple asked softly as he kneeled down beside his children.

Hi! I wanna go home with you! Will you let me go home with you, please? I'll be good and I'll make sure no one hurts you. I may be little but I'm real loud and you'll know when someone comes in your house.

Rumple smiled at the small Chihuahua. The dog looked to be no more than a year old but like all animals he had a wisdom beyond his years. He glanced over at Belle. She was already trying to befriend the small dog.

"Do we want this dog to come home with us?" Rumple asked his family.

"Yes!" they all cried in unison.

Rumple waved his hand and the cage unlocked. The dog jumped into Nathan's arms and began licking his face.

Thank you! I told your daddy I'll be good and I'll make sure no one hurts you!

Nathan laughed. "Do you have a name?"

Taco.

"That's the name of a food."

Yeah but I like it. Lucky gave it to me. He's my best friend.

"Rumple, why is Nathan talking to the dog?" Belle asked.

"Because the dog can talk back to him."

"Like Dr. Doolittle?"

Rumple smiled. "Yes, sweetheart. It looks like our boy is going to be Dr. Doolittle. Why are you surprised? He is after all the son of Rumplestiltskin the Beast and Belle the Beauty as well as a true love child. All true love children have special gifts. Nathan must've inherited my ability to talk to animals. Even you can communicate with them to some extent. I noticed that when our cat Lucky came to us in the Dark Castle."

Belle smiled sadly. "What did happen to him?"

"It stayed behind when the curse was cast I'm certain," he said sadly. "And now...he's gone...with the Forest..."

Nathan stood up and walked toward the door.

No! We can't go yet! What about Lucky!? I can't leave without him! Please...I promised him we'd leave together.

Nathan paused. "Daddy, we gotta find Lucky. Taco doesn't want to leave without him!" he cried urgently.

"Taco? You're naming the dog after a food?" Rumple asked with a frown. "And Lucky?"

"Lucky named him that. C'mon Daddy, he promised Lucky they'd leave together and I don't want him to have to break his promise. Please!" Nathan begged, looking up at his father with tear filled eyes and soon the dog, his wife and daughter followed suit. Rumple sighed. He never could say no to any of them when they looked like that.

"All right. Charming, do you know where this Lucky is being kept?" Rumple asked.

"Sure. Follow me." David led them down the hall to the cat cages.

"Lucky's a cat? And he's your friend?" Nathan asked the dog.

Uh-huh. Charming took us from the same place where some of the other pets came from. The people who had us were mean. Charming lets us play together all the time and I told Lucky if we ever had a chance to go to a real home we'd go together.

David led them over to a cage where a grey and white cat lay sleeping.

Lucky! Get up!

What? I'm sleeping.

I found someone to take us home!

The cat opened one eye and found his puppy best friend behind held gently by a small boy. Standing behind him were a little girl and three adults. The cat could sense strong magic coming from the two children and man. It sat up and focused its gaze on the man.

Rumplestiltskin. Long time no see. And I also see you finally came to your senses. About damned time too, you stubborn jackass!

How did you get here? Rumple asked unable to believe his eyes. His old friend had returned to them!

Surely you didn't think humans were the only ones who could cross realms. I just hitched a ride on Hook's ship when he came over with Cora but you weren't ready to see me yet so I went travelling and ran into Taco here.

But...how have you lived this long?

Don't you remember? You touched me with your magic while you were still the Dark One and it gave me a few more lives along with the nine I already went through.

Rumple smiled. "Belle, you won't believe who Lucky really is."

"Who?"

"Our Lucky," he said with a smile.

"What? The same one that we...but how?!"

"Nine lives, dearie...or in his case probably eighteen."

"Daddy, are we gonna take Lucky home too?" Nathan asked hopefully.

"Yes we are."

Taco barked excitedly. Rumple waved his hand and the cage opened. Lucky vanished in a puff of black smoke and appeared in Belle's arms, purring as he rubbed against her.

"Lucky, baby...I've missed you," Belle murmured.

And I've missed you, my beauty. I even missed this stubborn jackass.

"Very funny furball," Rumple muttered his breath.

"He can poof!" Nathan cried.

"How can he poof, Daddy?" Hope asked.

I'm the cat he and your Mommy took care of at the big castle Nathan. He gave me a bit of his magic while he was healing me. I just can't use it to heal Taco. No one can. It would be too painful for him. Besides, he's happy the way he is.

Uh huh. I can still play and now that I have Lucky with me we'll all play together.

As the family was walking out of the animal shelter, Nathan asked to stop at Hershey's cage one more time.

"Thanks Hershey. I'm taking Lucky and Taco home with me, just like you said."

Lucky's been looking for his old mistress and master a long time and Taco just needed a good home so it worked out for both of them.

"I'm still gonna find homes for all of you."

I know you will, the dog said confidently.

When they got to the house, Nathan insisted on carrying Taco because the dog informed him that it was hard on his front paws to walk on anything that wasn't soft and Lucky confirmed this.

You have rugs...I can run on those. You can put me down now, Nate.

"You sure?"

The dog barked in response. Nathan gently set him down on the ground and he started racing around the room. Lucky followed him, sniffing the unfamiliar surroundings.

"Wow...you're really fast, Taco." Nathan conjured the bone again and tossed it. The dog picked it up in its mouth and ran it back to the child, depositing it at his feet.

Throw it again! Lucky, why aren't you playing yet?

This place isn't my castle. Let me get used to it first, okay?

"Your castle, Lucky?" Rumple demanded. "Since when did it become your castle?"

Since I had to put up with your cranky ass.

Would you mind your mouth around my children!? I'm not above washing it out with soap you know.

Bring it on!

Nathan laughed. "Lucky's picking on you, Daddy."

"Oh, I'm used to it. He's got cattitude with a capital C."

And don't you forget it either.

Nathan, Hope and Belle took turns amusing the small chihuahua by playing fetch with him. Finally Lucky got tired of sparring with Rumple and gave in to the dog's demands to play.

"I'm so glad we found Lucky again...and found Taco with him," Belle murmured as she sat beside her husband and watched the children playing with their new pets. "Not many people like to take in disabled animals but I don't understand why. They have as much of a right to be loved as any other."

"Yes they do."

"Daddy, I made a deal with Hershey that I'd find him and the other animals good homes...and I can't break it," Nathan informed his father as he crawled onto his lap. "Can you help me?" he pleaded.

"We do owe him that, don't we little imp? All right. I'm sure we can all come up with something together."

The next day the Strogoff Gold family plus two drove over to the television station. The producers of Storybrooke Tonight were getting used to seeing them. They'd been in the station months ago to do a segment announcing the town wide yard sale that was held to raise money to build the large memorial to the victims of the Great Realm Destruction that now stood in the town square.

"It's a wonderful idea," Sidney Glass said. He divided his time between managing the station and running The Mirror. "We can even put an article in The Mirror. Rumple, do you mind if we do an interview with all of you and get some pictures of Lucky and Taco?"

"No, it'll be fine. That's what Nathan wants to do anyway."

"Uh huh. Cause I promised." Nathan reminded them.

Everyone in Storybrooke tuned in to Storybrooke Tonight because it was the source for information in their town and most of them weren't surprised when they heard they were going to be airing an interview with members of the Strogoff Gold family.

"What is that imp up to now?" Regina muttered while she and Robin Hood sat on the sofa watching the program while Roland sat on the floor in front of them. Sidney Glass was shown talking to three year old Nathan who was holding a Chihuahua puppy in his arms whose front paws were disfigured.

"Nathan, why did you choose to adopt this little guy here?"

"Because I like him. He can still run and play like other doggies. Watch!" Nathan threw a plush bone and set Taco down on his feet. The puppy raced over to the bone, picked it up and brought it back.

"That was very good."

"Uh huh. And he can jump on the couch an chair since they're not too high...we just gotta put a pillow down so he doesn't hurt himself jumping off," Nathan said. "The doctors said they could fix him but he'd have to have his legs broke and all kinda pins put in em and that would hurt! I like him the way he is! I think all animals should have a good home, no matter what they are!" the child said firmly.

"Now who is this?" Sidney asked as he turned the camera on Hope who had Lucky sitting on her lap.

"Lucky. He's Taco's friend. He's different too, see? He's got seven claws on his front feet and four on his back feet." Hope said as she held up the cat's paws to demonstrate.

"And you found both of these pets at the animal shelter?" Sidney asked Belle.

"Yes. We were told they both came from a place where animals were abused. It's appalling. Rumple and I used to take in injured and stray animals all the time, at least until we found them suitable homes back in our country. We'd discussed getting the children a pet before but wanted to wait until they were both old enough to understand the responsibility that comes with it. There are so many animals at the shelter that need a good home and I feel a house is not a home without a pet."

"Mama Gina, Daddy? Can we get a pet?" Roland asked her when the segment ended. "Please!"

"All right...but you heard what Belle said. Having one comes with responsibility."

"I'll take care of it!" the child vowed.

The same thing was happening all over town. Parents were being flooded with requests by their children to adopt a pet and even some of the adults wanted to get one.

A week later while Rumple and Nathan were out for their morning walk they spotted Zelena carrying a cat

"Hi Zee!" Nathan greeted.

"I've got to hand it to you, Nate. Every pet we had in the shelter got adopted," she said proudly. "And I have a familiar I adore, don't I baby?"

Yes you do. Thank you Nate. Zee will be a great mistress.

"All of em? He was curious to see who adoped Hershey and looked around but he couldn't see the Lab anywhere. When they passed the sheriff's office the door opened and Sheriff Wyatt Cain walked out, whistling.

"Hershey! Come on boy!" he called out. The Lab ran out the door and when it saw Nathan it barked excitedly and ran over to him, licking his face.

"I told you I'd find you a good home!" Nathan said to him as he hugged him. "An now you living with my cousin DG and Wyatt so I can see you a lot more!"

Yes you can.

"He's a special boy Rumple," Wyatt murmured.

"Yes he is," Rumple said proudly. "My own Dr. Doolittle."

"You mean he can actually...talk to animals?"

"Knowing who we are Tin Man, how could you doubt it?"

"Sometimes I forget who we are."

"That makes two of us," Rumple agreed, smiling when he saw his son embracing both dogs while they licked his cheeks affectionately.


	7. A Magical Valentine's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rumple has a romantic surprise in store for his elderly cousin Fiona

Rumple found no reason to enjoy Valentine's Day until he was reunited with his true love, Belle. He thought he'd been the only one who didn't enjoy the holiday reserved for lovers until he had a discussion with his in-laws, Fiona and Cattie McDermott. Cattie's daughter Channon was married to his adopted son Diego and Fiona was Cattie's mother, still a very fiesty woman even though she was in her late eighties. Rumple and Belle were paying a visit to the woman at their castle in Scotland called Ballyloch.

"Are you going to Channon's ball, ladies?" he asked them.

"Yes," Cattie answered.

"NO!" Fiona shouted. "I hate Valentine's Day. That damned girl knows that so why in all hell does she even bother inviting me?"

"Mum..." Cattie began.

"Don't you 'Mum' me, girl. I'm not going and that'll be my final word on it!" the elderly woman snapped and stormed back into the castle.

"What was all that about, Cattie?" Belle asked worriedly. "I've never seen Fiona so upset."

"I forgot..." Cattie said sadly.

"Forgot what, dearie," Rumple inquired softly.

"My father...he passed away on Valentine's night. Oh, she may act like she's been around since then but...she hasn't. She tried. The first date she went on was ten years after his death and she cried the whole time. And if Mum doesn't go to the ball, I'm not either because I don't want her to be alone. I...I'm going to go see if she's all right." Cattie stood up and followed her mother back into the castle.

"Oh Rumple, there has to be something we can do!" Belle cried.

He sighed. "What Fiona wants, I can't give her. I can't bring Ian back."

"You're one of the most powerful mages in all the realms, Rumplestiltskin. You've always found a way to make things happen. Maybe there's some sort of magic in your Ozian heritage that can do it. If you remember, your cousin brought DG back from the dead."

"She surrendered part of her life force to do it Belle and that spell only works immediately after death. Ian McDermott has been dead thirty years."

"And when we were in England you made King Richard III and Henry VIII appear in physical form by using Aramon's Talisman," she pointed out. Rumple's help had been called for by his adopted son while he was in England searching for the missing fathers of the children of his two best friends. They were hiding out in Mayford, an ancestral home of the other branch of Channon, Fiona and Cattie's family. The mansion was being haunted by the two former kings of England who had history with the family. Rumple was able to banish Henry VIII from the house but Richard III kept returning, watching over the property and those who stayed there.

"They were ghosts, dearie," he pointed out.

Rumple suspected there was a ghost at Ballyloch as well and this one didn't like him one bit. Twice he felt like someone tried to trip him, someone switched the shower from hot to cold while he was in it, several of his suits had been torn to shreds and his cane disappeared when he seemed to need it the most. It never attacked him when he was with Belle but he expected some kind of prank being pulled on him when he was alone.

He sent Belle to make sure Fiona was feeling better while he went for a walk, taking both Aramon's Talisman and the Strogoff Emerald with him as protection. While he was walking past the lake he felt a sharp kick to his backside that sent him flying into the lake.

"That's it!" he growled when he surfaced, waving his hand over the talisman. "I command you to show yourself!"

"Well, aren't you a sight," he heard a thick Scottish brogue eerily smiliar to his chuckling from the shore behind him. The sorcerer turned his head and gasped in shock when he saw a man who could be his twin standing at the edge of the lake. "Don't just stand there gawking lad, get out of the damned water before ye freeze yer ballocks off."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I might be asking you the same question. Who the hell are you and why are you here with my wife and daughter?"

Now Fiona's fascination with him made perfect sense. Every time she looked at him, she saw her late husband.

"Ian McDermott?"

The other man nodded. "Now that I've answered your question, you'd best be answering mine. Who the hell are you?"

"Rumplestiltskin Strogoff Gold."

"Rum...what? What t'hell kinda name is that?"

"Rumple, why are you all wet...oh my goodness!" Belle gasped as she looked at her husband then Ian McDermott and back to her husband again. Ian McDermott flashed a charming smile at her.

"My name's Ian McDermott. And who would you be?" he asked silkily.

"She's my wife Belle," Rumple grumbled as he crawled out of the lake and pulled Belle to his side protectively.

"Cattie said Fiona admired you so much because you reminded her of her husband, not that he looks exactly like you!" Belle cried. "How is this possible?"

"I have no idea," the sorcerer muttered. "Look, Ian...I don't have that kind of interest in Fiona and Cattie. They're good friends of mine..and my in-laws so would you please stop shredding my clothes, freezing me out in the shower, trying to trip me and hiding my cane? I need it to walk, dammit!"

"I just don't like seeing other men pawing my wife. Never did."

Belle giggled. "She paws him, not the other way around."

Rumple waved his hand over his clothing and dried himself. Ian backed away.

"What are you...a wizard?"

"Yes. How do you think I made you appear in physical form, dearie?"

"I need a drink."

"No, you need to see your wife."

"I do see her...but she doesn't see me," he confessed sadly. "And when I try to touch her...my hands just pass right through her!"

"Now you can touch her," Belle reminded him.

"I'd scare the daylights out of her at her age and possible send her into a heart attack and I don't want to do that."

"Rumple...the spell you used to accelerate Wendy's age...can it be reversed?" Belle inquired of her husband.

"Why?"

She smiled. "Because I think I know how we can get Fiona to go to the ball...and here's how I want to do it."

The two men listened with interest as Belle laid out her plan. Having part of her husband's heart inside her and living with him allowed her to learn a lot more about magic, especially true love's magic. She'd seen what it could do firsthand and unlike the other magic her husband performed, it would not extract a physical price from him.

While Belle hid Ian in their suite at the castle, Rumple teleported back to Storybrooke to borrow Blue's wand and an Ozian spellbook. Ian was close to pacing a hole in the floor by the time Rumple returned with the magical items.

"Are you sure this will work?" Ian asked worriedly.

"Casting it requires a lot of love and belief," Rumple explained. "From you most of all."

"You won't have any trouble with that from me."

Later that night they put their plan into motion. Rumple held the Blue Fairy's wand over Fiona's sleeping form while the Strogoff Emerald glowed around her neck. Ian and Belle watched with amazement as her short silver hair transformed into long, curly red locks. Her body and facial features changed from those of an elderly woman into the beautiful twenty year old woman she'd been in the photograph beside the bed. Ian knelt beside the bed and took her hand in his, cradling it against his cheek.

"She looks just the way she did when I first met her," he murmured.

"She'll only be like this until sunrise the day after Valentine's Day and then you'll go back to being a ghost...until next year or when she finally joins you. I know it's not much..."

"It's enough," Ian said as he looked up with tears in his eyes. "Thank you...both of you."

"Well, let's get you ready for the party," Rumple said as he and Belle led Ian out of the room.

Fiona awoke on Valentine's Day on her husband's side of the bed as she always did, shocked when she saw a nest of long flame red hair fanning about her face. She hadn't worn her hair long since Ian's death and even then it had some silver strands in it. She sat up and screamed when she looked in the mirror above her dressed, seeing her younger self staring back at her.

"Cattie...Cattie!" she cried out. The door flew open and her daughter raced into the room, still the same age as she'd been the night before.

"What...Mum!? Is...Is that you?"

"I...think it's me...oh my god Cattie...what happened...I look like I'm twenty. Is this a dream?" her mother asked frantically.

"Oh I don't think it is. RUMPLESTILTSKIN STROGOFF GOLD YOU GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!" she bellowed out into the hallway. A cane was heard tapping on the marble floors and Rumple walked into the room. "What the hell did you do to Mum?" she demanded as she delivered a hard smack to his backside.

"It's part of her Valentine's Day gift," he explained calmly. "I reversed her aging process from the night before Valentine's Day until sunrise the day after. Your mother now looks the way she did years ago."

"Why?"

"It's a surprise, dearie."

"It better be a damned good one lad or I am taking the Bruiser to your ass!" Fiona threatened as she jumped out of bed. "I don't even know why I'm calling you a lad now since I look younger than you!"

"And probably as spicy at that age, weren't you?" he teased.

"You bet I was!" she snapped.

In Rumple and Belle's bedroom Ian chuckled as he listened to his wife's tirade. "Ahhh I missed getting a good tongue lashing from her. I expect I'll be getting one as soon as she sees me."

"I think she'll be so glad to see you that she'll forget everything else," Belle said softly. "You remember what you're supposed to do, don't you?"

He smiled. "I'm reliving the best day of my life. How can I forget?"

Hours later the group minus Ian teleported to the Oasis Club in Miami, Florida. Rumple would bring the ghost himself later. When he walked into the ballroom with the three woman beside him, none of them recognized Fiona at all...except her shellshocked grandchildren when they approached.

"G...Grammy?!" Channon Rivera stammered.

"That's impossible Channon. That's not Fiona. She's twenty if a day," her husband spoke up.

"She looks just like she did in her wedding picture," Diego clarified. "Is it really you?"

"What's this tell you, lad?" Fiona asked as she stepped behind her grandson-in-law and smacked his backside.

"It's you all right, but how...?" Diego asked as he massaged his sore bottom.

"Ask him," she said, pointing at Rumple. "He says its part of my Valentine's Day surprise."

"I reversed the aging process on your grandmother until sunrise tomorrow," Rumple answered.

"Why?"

"You'll see."

"That's all he keeps saying...you'll see," Cattie grumbled. "This better be good because Mum hates today."

Several wives and girlfriends started feeling jealous as their men began to approach Fiona to dance with her. There was no denying she'd been a beauty at age twenty and had a headstrong personality to match.

"Mind if I borrow your partner?" Robin asked Diego.

"I don't but your wife I'm sure does."

Robin laughed. "She'll get over it. Come on, Fiona," he said as he took her hands in his and led her into the next dance.

"When the hell is she going to stop being the center of attention?" Emma hissed to Belle while she danced with every man in the room.

"Right after Rumple starts the second half of her surprise. Emma, please don't be angry. Valentine's Day is difficult for her and all we wanted to do was make her happy."

"What's the big deal?"

"It's the anniversary of our grandfather's death, that's what!" Channon snapped. "Now shut the hell up and let her enjoy herself!"

Finally it was Rumple's turn to dance and he'd changed into his black leather outfit knowing it was her favorite. He bowed gracefully. "Are you ready, my lady?"

She grinned. "I always am when you're dressed like that." She held out her hands for him and he led her back out to the dance floor while Belle looked on with a small smile on her lips. "Your lassie is the only woman in this room who doesn't want to kill me right now."

He chuckled. "Belle's gotten used to having to share me with you and Cattie. Are you having a good time?"

"Oh yes...reminds me of the old days at Ballyloch. Mum used to host big parties and invite anyone who was everyone. Of course if we got a little business that evening, that was even better. People would dance til their feet fell off part of the night then spend the rest of it in bed. Sometimes she held a companion auction just to spice things up a bit."

"A little birdie told me one of those auctions involved you."

She smiled wistfully. "It wasn't supposed to. That was actually the night Ian and I met. One of his mates brought him to Ballyloch to have a good time with one of the girls but he was more interested in getting drunk. I was walking past his table when the lout pulled me onto his lap and tried to kiss me so I smacked him a good one and walked away. Then when the auction started, he brought the whole house to silence when he offered a million pounds for me. Me. Still a virgin. Nothing interesting happened that night...we just talked but I was his from that night on...even if he was married at the time. I'm surprised Belle didn't already tell you this."

"She did. I just wanted to hear your take on it."

"I miss him Rum...I miss him so much."

"I know, dearie. Come on...it's time for your other surprise."

Fiona shook her head. "I can only imagine what's going on in that head of yours."

Belle stepped out into the center of the ballroom, her blue eyes twinkling with mischief. "All right, ladies and gentlemen...as you all know Rumple and I have decided to do something special for Fiona for Valentine's Day. The first part we already did. Right now her aging process has been reversed so that she is twenty years old again. Now then, back in her castle at Ballyloch, her Mum used to have what she called a companion auction. The highest bidder gets to spend the rest of the evening with this lovely lady...what happens is up to her. Shall we start the bidding please?"

"Rum!" Fiona cried.

"A thousand dollars!" Hatter shouted out.

"Two thousand!" Whale added.

"You are both pathetic! Five hundred thousand!" Rumple called out.

"One million pounds!" boomed a male voice similar to Rumple's with a thicker Scottish accent from the back of the room. A collective gasp of shock went up as a man dressed like Rumple and even looked like him made his way through the crowd while Fiona stood still, her hand pressed to her heart.

"D...Daddy?" Cattie croaked.

"No...it can't be," Diego and Channon said in unison.

"Would you repeat your bid sir?" Belle asked.

"You heard me...one million pounds." the man said firmly as he approached Fiona.

"I...Ian..." she moaned, her limbs giving out. Her husband took her into his arms as she fainted.

"What's going on?" Cattie inquired. "Is that...is that my father?"

"It's me, baby," Ian said softly.

"But..you're...you're...dead!"

"I am poppet but Rum is able to keep me in physical form until tomorrow so I can be with you and your mum. After that...I go back to terrorizing any man who tries to lay a finger on you or your mum at Ballyloch."

Cattie sobbed with joy and threw her arms around her father, her children followed suit.

"I was right!" Channon exclaimed. "There was a ghost at Ballyloch! It was you the whole time, Pappy?"

"Why d'ye think every man who had his hands where they weren't wanted had so many accidents?"

"Me included," Rumple muttered.

"You?" Bae laughed. "I would loved to have seen that!"

"Oh, I just bet."

"What did he do to you, Rum?" Cattie asked through her tears.

"Oh, I made him take a spill in the lake."

"That was only the end of it. You destroyed my suits, made me freeze to death in the shower, hid my cane and tried to trip me!" The others laughed. Rumple waved his hand over Fiona and roused her from her unconscious state.

"I...Ian...tell me I'm not dreaming...tell me you're here," she sobbed.

"Does this feel real to you," he said and kissed her.

"You have got to be kidding me! Fiona's husband could be the crocodile's twin! Does he really look like that or was a spell put on him?"

"No, he really looks like that," Cattie confirmed. "Daddy...Mum! Come up for air!"

"Oh, you hush up!" Fiona said, reluctantly breaking their kiss. "I haven't been able to kiss your father in thirty years so I'm making up for lost time." She glanced over at Rumple. "But...I thought you said...you couldn't bring him back."

"He's only here until sunrise tomorrow, Fie. Then he'll go back to what he was...the ghost who puts the fear of God into any male in Ballyloch...until next Valentine's Day or ..." He hesitated to add the last bit hoping it would be a long time before he would have to say goodbye to one of his dearest friends. Knowing her, however, he suspected she'd find some way to come back and haunt him. Fiona reached out and caressed his cheek.

"This is the best Valentine's gift I've had in years. Thank you Rumple."

"It was my pleasure dearie."

"Well Ian...you won the bid...she's yours," Belle spoke up. "What are you going to do with her?"

"Oh I know exactly what I'm doing with her," he said as he stood up. "Channon, lass, where are the bedrooms in this place?"

"Ummm...first staircase to the right, Pappy."

"Now if you'll all excuse me, I'll be taking my wife to bed now. And you bloody perverts can keep your eyes and your hands to yourselves from now on!" he added to the men in the room as he walked out of the room carrying a giggling Fiona.

"Papa, that had to have been one powerful spell for you to do. Why aren't you worn out?" Bae inquired of his father.

"True love's magic doesn't require a price, Bae. Once we found out how difficult today is for Fiona we decided to do something special for her. I already knew I could trap a ghost in physical form using my talisman from the ghosthunting I did in England but reversing Fiona's age was a bit more difficult. She'll go back to her normal age tomorrow but I've found a way to make the spell work every Valentine's Day."

"How?"

"By combining strands of their hair with the hairs of a couple who are already united by true love's magic and have a strong connection to one of them...Rumple and me," Belle explained.

"That is so romantic," Snow said dreamily.

While the others went back to dancing Rumple turned to his wife with the same seductive grin on his lips as Ian had for Fiona earlier. "What do you say we find one of those bedrooms and have our own celebration?" he suggested.

"Lead the way darling," she whispered. He linked her arm in his and escorted her out of the room.

It wasn't long before the rest of the couples started making excuses and finding beds for the night. It was Valentine's Day after all, the only holiday in the world made exclusively for lovers.

Hours later as they lay in each other's arms, Rumple kissed his wife softly on the lips.

"Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart."

"Happy Valentine's Day darling."

In the room beside theirs, Fiona McDermott smiled softly as she curled up beside her sleeping husband. Things would go back to the way the were in the morning but she knew she had something to look forward to next year thanks to her two dearest friends ad a little of true love's magic...to be with the man she loved on that special day...and not even death could separate them again.


	8. Not Your Average Baby Shower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The women have a baby shower for Emma, the men a shower for Bae but when the men come home drunk the womens punishment has all of Storybrooke laughing

There were times when Bae wondered how his father did it. The moment he found out Emma was expecting their second he was nervous as hell. He hadn't exactly been Father of the Year with Henry but in the three years they'd been reunited he was trying to make up for that. His own father, who made his own mistakes with Bae, showed little signs of being nervous at all when his younger brother and sister were born because he knew what it was like to actually be a parent and the responsibilities it entailed. His daughter would also be part sorceress and part fairy which added to his anxiety since Tinkerbell had gifted her godchild with fae magic. His sister Hope was already getting into mischief with her magic, disappearing from the Disney store and scaring ten years off him the worst of it...so far.

Emma was equally nervous.She knew she would have plenty of sources for advice from the women of Storybrooke who were mothers, particularly those in their family. She would be raising this child from birth, something she was unable to do with Henry. Belle decided to throw her daughter-in-law a baby shower and invitations were sent out all over town. Soon Storybrooke's shops were crowded with women buying gifts for the expecting mother. They all knew she was having a daughter thanks to Rumple and all the gifts that were purchased were things the women thought would be perfect for a little girl.

While his wife was holding her baby shower for Emma at the house, Rumple was holding his own shower for the father to be at The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille. He opened the pub shortly after Nathan's birth and it tended to attract a much better crowd than the infamous Rabbit Hole. He still owned that vile joint, only going in there when Dove was not available to collect the rent.

Regina was the first guest to arrive at Rumple's Victorian, her arms loaded with bags.

"Good gods Madam Mayor!" Evangeline exclaimed. "It looks like you bought out half the town!"

Regina laughed. "Close enough. Is Emma here yet?"

"Not yet but Belle is waiting in the living room. Chip! Grab Regina's bags and take them into the living room!" she instructed her grandson while Lumiere took Regina's coat and hung it up in the closet. Regina walked into the living room and found Belle sitting on the sofa reading a book. When the younger woman noticed she had company, she quickly marked her place in her book and closed it.

"Hello Belle," Regina greeted. "I know I'm a bit early."

"That's fine. We can just relax until everyone gets here."

"Where's Rumple?"

"Oh they're having a father shower down at the pub."

Regina snorted. "And they'll all come home wasted I'm sure."

"That's when we exile them to the sofa dearie," Belle said with a grin.

"Oh you mean you've actually done that? I'm shocked," Regina gasped.

"Rumple and I have our disagreements like any normal couple and believe me, a sofa exile works every time."

"That it does. Hi Regina," Emma greeted her friend warmly.

"Getting a bit of a bump there I see," Regina said, pointing at Emma's abdomen. Emma smiled and sat down in the recliner across from them. Minutes later the other women started arriving, their arms loaded with gifts for the new mother. She wondered how she and Bae were going to fit all those things into their apartment. It was large enough for them and a new baby but she didn't want too many things piling up in the house as they did in Rumple and Belle's house. Belle was still trying, with little success, to break her husband of his hoarding habit.

"Who did the bouquet of lilies come from? They're beautiful," Az murmured.

"I brought them from one of the best shops down in Miami," Channon said. "I figured they'd be fitting since Emma's already decided to name the baby Lilly."

"I'm naming her after Rumple's mom and Belle, with Mom's approval of course." Emma nodded at Snow, brushing back tears. "Do all women get this...emotional while pregnant a second time? I wasn't when I had Henry. Scared shitless was more like it."

"That...morning sickness...odd cravings...it's different for all of us," Snow spoke up. "I had more anxiety while I was pregnant with you."

"Oh go on and say it...because you didn't know what I was planning," Regina muttered.

"No, we didn't but that's in the past," Snow said, not wating to start a war.

"I was rather calm while I was pregnant with Nathan but with Hope Rumple said I was worse than him sometimes with my temper," Belle said. "I would go from hot to cold in seconds flat. Still, I would do it again."

Every woman in the room who already had a child agreed heartily with that statement.

"Okay, its time for games," Regina announced and asked all the women to go into the dining room. They all started laughing when they found bingo cards at their places. Regina was known as a high roller in Las Vegas and Atlantic City and she thrived on the popularity it brought her. "Now here's the catch: Emma gets half of whatever money prizes you win to purchase items she will need for the baby...but I have an idea she won't need that much," she added with a chuckle.

Down at The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille, most of the tables had been pushed together to form a large one while packages of diapers were stacked on three others. Bae laughed when he saw it. He wouldn't need to buy the things for at least a year...or two.

"Hey Will!" David called out to Will Scarlet. "Tell them to make sure the tv's turned up loud enough for us to hear, will ya? World Series is coming on!"

"They know. Most of us have money on this game." Will said as he sat down beside Cyrus. "Hey! Rumfather! You gonna get off the phone or what?" he yelled over at Rumple.

Rumple was seated at the end of the table with his cellphone on his ear and a notepad in his hand. "You're just in time. Okay that's one hundred on Boston? Okay..talk to you later. Do you mind?" he demanded of Will. "I was conducting business."

"I'm still surprised you weren't a bookie during the curse, Papa." Bae said and laughed. "And I blame you for getting him into it," he added, glancing in Diego's direction.

The former vice detective laughed himself. "As long as he doesn't go assault with a deadly cane on someone for not paying up I'm okay with it and betting on sports is a given, you know that."

"Well I'm not taking any more bets." Rumple informed them, motioning for the server to bring them their drinks. He held up his beer mug. "To Bae and my new granddaughter Lilly!"

"To Bae and Lilly!" the men called out and clinked their mugs together.

"I gotta admit guys, I'm scared half to death. I mean, I wasn't there with Henry and I know it's not gonna be easy." Bae said nervously. "And raising a girl is different from raising a boy."

"Plus she is going to have fairy blood, Bae," his father said. "But you're going to be fine. And don't forget, Emma is probably as nervous as you are, even more so since she's going to be the one giving birth. You are going to her childbirthing classes, aren't you?"

He nodded. "I hope to hell I don't pass out. What good would I be to her if I'm passed out on the floor."

"She'll just zap your ass to wake you up," Diego joked. "Now, before the game starts, let's play a little game." He opened a duffle bag and took out a supply of baby bottles handing them to Rumple, Edgar Navarro, Robin Hood and Cyrus. "Fill these up with what you're drinking to here," he said, pointing to a line on the bottle. "Here's the rules...no biting the nipple, no squeezing bottle...and no magic Pop! The first one with an empty bottle wins."

Rumple scowled. "You actually want me to suck beer out of a baby bottle?!"

"What's the matter? Afraid I'll be done before you even get half done?" Robin challenged.

"Oh we all know you could drink Jack Sparrow under the table," Rumple retorted.

"In his mind, maybe," Robin said and smirked. "Ready to lose again Navarro?"

"Not on your life!"

"Don't count me out, boys." Cyrus said.

"This is going to be hilarious," Bae said and chuckled, taking out his cellphone and setting it to record.

"Okay, on the count of three..start sucking! One...two..three!" Diego yelled. The men grabbed the bottles and got to work while their friends cheered them on.

"Come on Papa! You can do it!" Bae encouraged.

"Show em how it's done Rob!" Little John bellowed.

"Come on Navarro, you gonna let them beat you?" David asked.

"You're falling behind, Cyrus...get your mouth moving!" Will coached. Soon everyone in the bar was hollering at the contestants and pumping their arms up and down.

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

"Diego, who's winning?" Bae asked, keeping his phone focused on the group while Diego circled them and checked the bottles. Robin was in the lead with Navarro in a close second, Rumple in third and Cyrus in last place. Diego pointed at Robin. The other men started working harder to catch up.

"Okay Robin's our winner!" Diego announced, setting his bottle down. He took the bottles from the other men and leaned down to see how much each had. "Pop comes in second...Navarro third and Cyrus...last."

"What? How did you get past me?" Navarro demanded.

"You were too busy watching Robin that I noticed you slowed down...so I seized my opportunity," Rumple answered.

"Okay, we're gonna do another round and the winner of this round gets to compete against Robin for the prize. Wyatt, Elmer, David and Will, you're up!" Diego informed the spouses of Rumple's cousins, Wyatt Cain and Elmer Gulch and David and Will Scarlet.

"Watch and learn Cyrus!" Will informed his friend as he filled his bottle.

"Ready to lose again, Wyatt," Elmer challenged his former Tin Man partner and current sheriff.

"Not this time El. I got pretty good at drinking contests in the Resistance camps." Wyatt said confidently.

"Make me proud David," Archie said to his brother.

"Okay boys. You know the rules. One...two..three...GO!" Bae shouted while their friends started cheering them on.

"Who's winning, Papa?" Bae asked Rumple who was acting as a referee for the second round.

"Wyatt, Elmer and Will are all too close to tell!" Rumple announced.

"Come on, Molky!" Navarro cried. David was struggling to get even to the halfway point. Diego and Rumple stood behind the three men watching them closely. They still seemed to be head to head until Wyatt pulled his bottle out of his mouth and held it up.

"Awww shit!" Will cursed. His still had a small amount in it as did Elmer's.

"All right, Dad!" Jeb Cain exclaimed.

"Robin, Wyatt...you ready?" Bae asked the two men. They nodded. Diego counted off and the contest began. As with the previous round, the two men were equally matched, forcing Diego and Rumple to strain their eyes to see who was inching ahead. Finally Robin slammed his bottle down on the table.

"Robin Hood is our winner!" Diego declared and pulled a wooden plaque out of his duffle bag, handing it to him. It had a pacifier on it with the words "BIGGEST SUCKER" written on it along with the date. The men burst into laughter.

"Who made that?"

"Marco," Diego replied.

"Game's starting!" the bartender called out. Scraping was heard as all the chairs in the room were turned toward the big screen TV.

Back at Rumple's Victorian the women were back in the living room for the next game. There were several tables set up with dolls from Hope's room on them along with diapers.

"All right...this one is called Sloppy Diaper Relay," Belle explained. "I'm going to split you all up into teams and you'll both have to change the baby's diaper and put a clean one on...before the timer goes off."

"That shouldn't be too hard," Regina said.

Emma smirked and held up a blindfold. "Try doing it blindfolded and no magic from those of you who have it."

"Oh I can diaper a baby blindfolded," Fiona bragged. Cattie giggled.

"She thinks," Regina muttered. She was partnered with Tink and of the two of them Regina had more experience changing diapers. Belle placed an egg timer on the coffee table and sat down while the women walked over to the table. Evangeline blindfolded all of the contestants and set the timer for the expecting mother who would record the event on her phone.

"All right ladies...go!" Evangeline called out.

Emma was giggling as she watched the women stumble over themselves and each other as they tried to diaper their dolls as fast as their opponents. Diapers went flying everywhere and quite a few of them were put in the wrong place, such as the doll's head.

"And our winners are...Fiona and Cattie!" Evangeline announced. The other women removed their blindfolds and glanced over at the last table where the two elderly Scotswomen stood with identical grins on their faces. They'd only used two diapers, one for each partner while the others went through the entire stack.

"How the hell...?" Snow demanded.

"When I say I can diaper a baby blindfolded, I mean I can diaper a baby blindfolded," Fiona boasted. "I may be old but I've still got my wits about me."

Evangeline and Lumiere cleaned up and moved the tables out of the room then started handing each set of partners a roll of toilet paper. Emma laughed.

"They gonna go TP people's houses?" she asked.

"No. The object of this game is that you have to create an outfit for your partner out of the toilet paper...and the most original one wins a prize," Belle explained. "Everybody ready? Go!"

She sat back down and watched the women go to work. Nearly all of them made dresses out of theirs except for DG who used hers to turn Azkadellia into a living mummy and Regina who used hers to make a halter top and thong on Tink. Once all the outfits were done, Emma walked around and studied each one. She thought they were all hilarious but the object was to make something original.

"DG and Az...you win!" she said. "I said original and you gave me original."

"All right!" DG crowed.

Later that night the women were still at Rumple's Victorian but none of them were happy. It was after two AM and the men still hadn't returned from the bar. Finally they could hear voices and looked outside to see the men staggering up the sidewalk, all of them laughing and singing loudly.

"Why don't we get drunk an' screw?

I just bought a waterbed, it's filled up for me an' you

They say you are a snuff queen

Honey, I don't think that's true

So, why don't we get drunk an' screw?"

"In their dreams maybe," DG hissed while Az gave the door a look that was even more terrifying than Regina's Evil Queen one.

"Belle...why's the door locked?" Rumple slurred as he pounded on it. "C'mon sweetheart...lemme in..."

"Oooh is he gonna get it..." DG sang while Belle stalked over to the door and yanked it open.

"Oh, don't worry sweetheart...we'll be right home after the game," Belle said mockingly as she glared at her husband. "Seven hours late and you smell like you crawled out of a damned brewery!"

"Awww...come on...was jus celebratin' being a grandpa again...my boy's gonna have a lil girl...and maybe we can start on another one..." he added, winking at her.

"Oh no! You're not touching me until you're sober! And you'll be sleeping outside!"

"I jus had a drink…or two...or three...Bae...y'know how many? Lost count."

"Dunno," Bae mumbled as he approached Emma. "There's m'girl...havin' my girl..."

"You're just as drunk as your father!" she exclaimed. Her husband was practically hanging onto her. "And you'll be joining him outside too I might add!"

"Deeeelliiiiaaa...wanna go make love in my Chevy van..." Archie crooned to his furious wife.

"You won't be making love to anything until you get that crap out of your system, Commander Ozopov!"

"Hate when you call me that!"

"Too bad!" she retorted. "Outside, cricket!"

"Dottie, how 'bout we go out to the woods..."

"How about you go out in the woods by yourself, Tin Man!"

"Aww have a heart Deege."

"That goes for you too...Daddy!" DG glared at Ambrose.

"As a matter of fact...you'll all be sleeping outside tonight," Regina informed the men.

"Hey, I'm not drunk! Beth!" David protested.

"You know better!" added his wife.

"You're excused but the rest of you are O.U.T!" Regina said firmly.

"Hey...why's he get 'scused?" Charming demanded.

"Because he obviously isn't drunk while you are, moron!" Snow snapped. "Out!"

"Can't make me..." Rumple taunted.

"Oh, can't we? Henry!" Belle called out to her grandson. He emerged from behind Belle with Aramon's Talisman around his neck. The stone was glowing meaning that he'd already used to remove his grandfather's powers temporarily so that no magical chaos could ensue. He'd also cast a binding spell on the other magical men.

"Et tu, Henry?" Bae demanded of his son.

"Sorry Dad," the boy said with a grin and waved his hands conjuring a series of tents out in the yard. "And you won't be allowed back in til they give me permission to release the barrier."

"You wait...you just wait til you get older," Bae mumbled. "You won't be laughing when you get kicked out of the bed."

"Off you go," Henry said with flourish as perfect as his grandfather's Rumple shook his head as he and the rest of the men trekked over to the tents, complaining that their plans for their women for the night had just been ruined by a kid, no one smarting more over it than Bae and Rumple.

While the women slept peacefully, the men had a more difficult time of it. Most of them had terrible hangovers but the worst part was being awakened by people driving past the house honking their horns and laughing at them and the sign that had been put up in the yard by Tink reading: DRUNKEN STUPIDITY= BEDROOM LOCKOUT.

Although there were no more crazy villains running loose, the most prominent families in Storybrooke were still finding ways to liven up the town. People just didn't know what to expect from one day to the next but one thing was for certain, it wasn't boring.


	9. Come Fly With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bae's daughter takes her terrified father and grandfather on a flight through Storybrooke!

While Emma was at the station Bae stayed at home with their three year old, Lilly. Since she was part sorceress and part fairy by her godmother Tinkerbell's gift, her parents had to watch her closely in case her magic started to manifest itself as it did often with his brother and sister, Hope and Nathaniel. He knew before Lilly was born that it wasn't going to be easy having a magical child; his father already had to deal with quite a few situations, most of them caused by his sister Hope. She had a nasty habit of teleporting or "poofing" when she wasn't supposed to and when she was upset she used her magic to throw things. Nathan rarely used magic on anything except taking care of animals. He was the family's Dr. Doolittle. So far they hadn't seen anything unusual with Lilly.

One thing he did notice was that Lilly insisted on watching every movie that featured Disney's version of Tinkerbell, the only exception was Peter Pan. Anything featuring Peter Pan was banned in the Strogoff Gold households for good reason. None of them had fond memories of the real one...he was appropriately named the "Father From Neverhell" by Emma. They never mentioned him to the child at all and made certain she never learned about him. It was better that way.

Lilly was sitting on the living room floor with her dolls scattered around her watching one of the Tinkerbell movies while her father was on the couch. He'd gotten tired of watching those cartoons every day but he didn't dare turn them off and risk his little girl's wrath. She had quite a temper on her when she was angry, just like her parents did.

"Lilly, honey, why don't we go outside? It's nice out."

"I wanna watch this," she wailed.

"It's almost over."

"I wanna fly like Tinkerbell. Like Mommy. Like Miss Blue."

"Honey, Mommy doesn't fly unless she has to and you're too little to fly."

"No I not!" she protested.

"Yes, you are." he said. The end credits to the movie start playing. "Okay, c'mon princess. Let's go outside," he said, scooping his daughter up and carrying her out to the backyard. "What do we want to do? Play hide and seek?"

"I wanna fly!" she cried.

"You can't fly." her father said firmly.

"Yuh huh. All I gotta do is believe...an I can do it!"

"Lilliana Belle Strogoff-Gold, we are not having this discussion. You. Can't. Fly."

"Yes I can!" the girl declared and closed her eyes. To his horror Bae could see tiny wings poking out from behind her back and her hands glowing green with fairy dust in them. She blew on her hand and the dust surrounded him. "We fly Daddy." she said, flapping her wings, her small body rising up in the air, along with his from the fairy dust.

"Lillybelle Strogoff-Gold...put us down! Now!" Bae cried, trying to keep from looking down because if he did he was going to throw up. He hadn't been this terrified since the Shadow first took him to Neverhell so many ago. His daughter was laughing while they flew over the town.

"Daddy, lookie...I see Auntie Gina's house!" Lilly exclaimed, pointing down at the mansion on Mifflin Street while she flew beside him him, her wings flapping.

Don't look, Bae...don't look...don't...oh hell!

"Daddy...why you all white? You look like a ghost."

I'm gonna puke.

"Lilly, please...put us down!" he begged.

"Ooooh...that's pappy's house...an he's outside. PAPPY!" the little girl yelled.

"PAPA...HELP!" Bae screamed.

Rumple looked up in the sky and dropped the flowerpot he was holding when he saw his son and granddaughter in the air, Bae surrounded by fairy dust.

"Bae! What the hell are you doing? Get down!" he yelled and then felt incredibly stupid for saying it when he knew his son couldn't get down or he'd end up a chalkline on the pavement because he was under the control of fairy dust.

"I can't get down!" Bae cried. "Can't you do something? I'm trying to get her to put us down and she won't listen!"

"Pappy, come fly with Daddy and me!" Lilly cried.

"Lillybelle!? Good god...honey...did...did you sprinkle Daddy with fairy dust?"

He got his answer when his little granddaughter blew on her hands and he suddenly found himself surrounded by it and floating up to where his son and granddaughter were.

"Oh great Papa, just great. You were supposed to get her to put us down, not join us!" Bae complained.

"I would try to counteract her magic but I have no idea what kind defense it would throw at me and besides, I won't do a magical attack on my own grandchild!" Rumple exclaimed. "Lillybelle...come on...put us down." he pleaded.

"We go flying, Pappy," she insisted.

"Oh Jesus," Bae moaned.

"All right Lillybelle, I'll make you a deal. Daddy and I wil fly with you if you take us to Tinkerbell or Mommy. Okay?" Rumple suggested.

"Deal, Pappy! I take you to Tinkie. Mommy busy chasin bad guys."

"I hate you right now. You know that," Bae grumbled to his father.

"Now you know what I go through with your brother and sister. Thank the gods they don't fly! Hopefully once we get to the convent she'll put us down. Why Tink ever gifted her with fae powers is beyond me!"

"Hopefully I don't throw up my insides before that!"

"Just...think about something else."

"Yeah...how much trouble she's gonna be in when we get down."

Lilly took her unwilling companions through another arial tour of Storybrooke. As she passed Regina's house again, she called out to the mayor, whom she thought of as an aunt. Regina looked up, shocked to see the child flying along with Rumple and Bae under the control of fairy dust. She laughed and walked over to the garage, calling up to Robin.

"Robin, we've got a beautiful little fairy princess and two unidentified flying morons at five o'clock!"

"Oh, real funny Regina!" Rumple yelled.

"Auntie Gina, wanna fly?" Lilly asked.

"NO!" Bae and Rumple yelled in unison.

"Some other time, honey."

Robin poked his head out the window of his man cave. "What the hell...? Oh my God...I am recording this!" he exclaimed and aimed his cellphone's camera at the trio while they flew past them. Word spread quickly throughout the town and soon there people gathered around looking up at Bae and Rumple and laughing hysterically and oohing and ahhing at how cute Lilly was when she told them she was taking her pappy and daddy flying. They eventually reached the convent. Tinkerbell was outside with her class when one of the students pointed up.

"Lilly! What are you doing?!" she cried.

"I flying an I got Pappy an Daddy to fly with dust!"

Tinkerbell took flight and appeared beside her goddaughter. She waved her wand, breaking the spell of the fairy dust, bringing all of them slowly back down to the ground. Bae raced for the nearest bathroom while Rumple for the nearest bench to rest. He'd been using his magic to try to keep Bae calm and it drained him.

"Lilly Belle Strogoff-Gold, you and I need to have a talk," Tink said firmly.

"Tinkie mad?"

"Tinkie is not happy right now. What did I tell you about flying?"

"I not 'llowed...til I'm older?"

"And did you listen to me?"

"No..." the child said, bowing her head in shame.

"Sweetie...you could've gotten hurt...or you could've gotten Pappy and Daddy hurt. I want you to promise me you won't do that again unless you're given permission. Do you promise?"

"I promise Tinkie."

"Now you need to apologize to Pappy and Daddy."

The little girl shuffled over to where her grandfather was sitting, looking up at him with tears in her eyes. "I sorry Pappy...you mad at me?"

"Oh no, sweetheart," he said, picking her up and embracing her. "I'm not mad. But you have to listen to Tinkie, Mommy and Daddy. When they tell you not to do something, don't. Okay."

"Kay. I sorry Daddy." she said when her father sat down beside him. Bae smiled and took her from his father's arms, kissing her small cheek.

"You're forgiven...just...don't do it again..please," he begged.

"Cause you get all white an havta puke?"

"Ummm...yeah..." he said, trying not to laugh. He must've been quite a sight.

Later that evening after Bae put Lilly to bed, he walked into the bedroom to see Emma sitting at the computer laughing hysterically.

"What's so funny...awww come on!" Bae groaned. Sure enough Robin recorded them flying over the town and posted it on their Facebook page for just the Storybrooke residents and their trusted friends to see. Soon the page filled up with comments. Adding insult to injury, someone recorded him making a mad dush for the bathroom at the convent. "Modern technology sucks!"

"Next time I'm taking you flying."

"No way in hell," he growled.

And he had a feeling that this was just the first of many incidents of magical child chaos he had to look forward to.


	10. A Man's Cave Is His Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bae introduces the Storybrooke residents to the concept of a man cave

One of Bae's favorite projects as an interior designer was building the perfect 'man cave'. Now that he'd established himself in Storybrooke he wanted to introduce his fellow fairy tale counterparts to the concept of the man cave since none of them actually had one, surprising since they'd been living on this side for more than thirty years now. The town itself was still a bit behind the times in many respects but Regina was working on that alongside the town council.

The first thing he did was survey the house he and Emma urchased shortly after their wedding. It was a one story house with five bedrooms although at the moment they only needed four: one for them, one for Henry when he stayed over, one for Lillybelle and the other for guests. The fifth room was unoccupied but filled with nothing but junk, leading to Emma accusing him of having the same hoarding problem his father did until Belle finally broke him of the habit and she did it in a very creative way: forcing him to watch an Extreme Hoarding: Buried Alive marathon then springing the news on him that she was pregnant again so they needed the room anyway. So his father gathered up all his junk and followed his childrens' suggestion that they have a yard sale. It ended up being a townwide yard sale as everyone in Storybrooke followed suit, donating the money raised to finally build the memorial to the victims of the destruction of Nonestica.

Bae desperately wanted to make the fifth room his 'man cave'. Emma wouldn't have it.

"We need that room in case we have another baby. You want a man cave, you put it somewhere else," she said firmly.

His only other choice was to add a second level to the garage where he could have his man cave, enlisting the help of Robin and the Merry Men, who now operated their own construction company called Sherwood Builders. Their first major project had been to build new homes for themselves and all the survivors of the realms falling. Bae helped them learn everything they could about modern building and home design and now they were a success. Regina also had them working on modernizing all of the buildings in town.

"So, Bae, what is this man cave of yours going to have in it? Hopefully a big screen TV so we can watch games," Robin said after the addition was complete and the group of them stood in the newly built room admiring their handiwork.

"No man cave is complete without one, buddy. I'm going to have a kitchen in here too so we can make what we want to eat and of course to keep the beer cold. Plus a pool table and I'm moving all my gaming consoles in here too."

"Any chance you can design one for me?"

"Yeah, we can do that. Now where are you gonna have it? I doubt Regina will let you have a man cave in the house."

"No, she won't. Already told me that when I said you were making one. If I want one, I have to partition the garage. I was doing that anyway to make a workshop but I want a man cave instead."

Bae spent nearly every day going from store to store purchasing items to put in his man cave. While he was in the furniture store he ran into his father.

"Hi Papa. You shopping for the nursery?"

He nodded. "We gave the old furniture to DG and Wyatt a year ago. What are you shopping for?"

"The man cave," Bae answered proudly.

"So that's what you added a level to the garage for! I thought so."

"Next I'm going to help Robin get his done. You should have one too Papa."

"I do...it's the basement."

"No offense, Papa but its not a real man cave. You may have cleaned it out but it still looks like a junk room. Give me a week in there and I'll turn it into a spinning wizard golfer's paradise," Bae proposed.

"You are already busy," his father pointed out.

"I can get man caves done pretty quickly. You'll see. Wait til you see mine."

Word spread quickly that Bae was a man cave expert and he was getting requests to do one for nearly all of the men in Storybrooke. He informed them he would full the requests in the order her got them with Robin's being first, followed by his father's. He was anticpating doing his father's. Finally the day approached when he could reveal the masterpiece that was his own man cave. He hung a sign above the garage that read The Bae Shack.

"This is fantastic mate!" Robin crowed as he and a group of people walked into the room and studied the decor. Instead of one big screen television, there were two, one with his gaming consoles hooked up, the other hooked up to his Chromecast, BluRay player and satellite box for watching sports, TV shows and movies. There was a complete kitchen as he promised with a microwave, stove, refrigerator and deep freezer. He had a series of brown leather chairs set up in front of the first TV the way they would be arranged in a movie theater and black leather gaming chairs lined up in front of the second tv equipped with microphone headsets. He also had a pool table as well as a card table. There were pictures of his favorite sports teams on the walls that he purchased through FatHead as well as a blue neon sign that said The Bae Shack: Always Open For Business as well as a poster listing the rules for the 'cave'.

1\. No whining or bitching, except when our teams lose

2\. Bae controls the remote, no exceptions

3\. No chick flicks and no women's TV stations...EVER!

4\. Toilet seat stays up unless needed to put down

5\. Belching, farting and scratching permitted

6\. Junk food only!

7\. Whatever happens in the man cave, stays in the man cave!

"Wait til you see mine," Robin said. "He was helping me with mine while he finished his."

"Well, Bae, I'm impressed with this bit of magic of yours," Rumple said proudly. Bae smiled. He never got tired of seeing his father being proud of him.

"It looks great Bae," Belle added.

The group walked down to Mifflin Street. Regina was waiting outside, smiling herself.

"Ready to show off your cave?" she asked her husband.

"Of course."

Like Bae, Robin decided to put a sign up for his man cave it read: The Outlaw's Hideout. Several people laughed, remembering Robin's former profession as the Enchanted Forest's resident outlaw and thief. There was a wall length poster on the wall with him dressed in his Enchanted Forest garb with his name on it reading: Robin Hood: Wanted Dead or Alive by order of Queen Regina! Regina had it custom made by Fathead. She also ordered large cutouts of some of his favorite Robin Hoods from the movies and TV. Other items on the walls were his collections of bows and crossbows, including the magical one Rumple returned to him once he arrived in Storybrooke as well as sports memorabilia he and Roland collected. He also liked Bae's idea of having two televisions and had one set up for gaming consoles and the other the movie and sports theater. His man cave also included its own kitchen, pool table, card table and on one of the opposite walls was a dartboard with the Sheriff of Nottingham's picture in the center. They saw each other around town once in a while, glaring at each other mostly. Then everyone looked at the sign listing Robin's cave rules.

1\. Leave your issues at the door!

2\. Entertainment TV goes on what I say it does

3\. Keep the toilet seat up! Unless you need to do something else.

4\. If the smell of gas, the sound of belching or seeing some scratching bothers you, go somewhere else!

5\. This is not a health place, so expect lots of grease, fat, alcohol and smoke

6\. The only bitching permitted will be if our teams lose

7\. What happens here, stays here!

"Okay, now we're going to Papa's!" Bae announced. His father's cave was the one he was the most proud of because it was his biggest challenge. They all headed down to Rumple's Victorian. Hanging over the door to the basement was a sign that read: Rumple's Dark Castle and 19th Hole: Deals and Bets Made, Stress Relieved and Appetites Satisfied.

Rumple's basement had been divided into three portions. The first portion was made into a miniature Dark Castle room with his potions and books lined up on shelves complete with labels as well as his spinning wheel. There was a stone sign on the wall that read: Caution: Wizard At Work: Disturb at Your Own Peril! The door to the Dark Castle portion was similar to the one in his dungeon. They then entered the next room. There were some similarities to Robin and Bae's rooms as Rumple also had full kitchen in his man cave as well as a pool and card table. Regina grinned when she saw a series of video slot machines lined up against one of the walls. All of them had been given a fairy tale name: Rumplestiltskin's Lucky Threads, Beauty's Cups of Cash, Baelfire's Flames of Fortune, The Evil Regal's Reels of Riches, Jiminy Cricket's Wishes and Hope and Nathan's Toybox of Treasures. He also had a small movie theater setup and to no one's surprise there was a punching bag hanging up as well as an assortment of canes, ball bats and sticks on the wall and of course a large paddle with the words Rumple's Bruiser written on it.

1\. All anger issues must be addressed to the punching bag.

2\. You mess it up, you clean it up!

3\. If you don't like my food or beverage choices, bring your own!

4\. All sports wagers must be made prior to game time and payments due after.

5\. No cheating at the poker table!

6\. Take responsibility for your own belching and stench! No blaming the man next to you and blaming the host gets an immediate ban!

7\. What happens here, stays here...and don't think I won't find out if you talk.

There was also a place where his guests could sign and agree to his rules.

The group was then escorted into the third portion of the basement. There were Fathead pictures of some of the world's top golfers on the walls including signed ones from legends like Arnold Palmer that were either given to him by the golfers themselves when he went to see them or he bought them at auctions. He also had a high definition golf simulator that was designed to make the players feel as if they were on an actual course where they could practice their game or compete in online tournaments.

"I need to get one of these. How much did it cost you, Rumple?" Archie asked.

"About 70 grand. You can afford it now," Rumple answered.

"Bae, you mind working on a man cave for me?"

"Not at all. Hippie Golfer Theme?"

"You got it. Plus I need a workroom for my outdoor crafts."

"I want one too!"

All heads turned to DG. When she first came to Storybrooke a lot of people were surprised to see that a woman who was a direct descendant of Dorothy Gale was more of a tomboy and all of the men agreed that she would be one of the few women allowed in a man cave since she acted like one most of the time. Hers would be easy. As well as being an artist, DG was a skilled mechanic and motorcycle enthusiast.

Even the other women were asking for his help to design their own little hideaways since they knew that woman caves were now becoming popular.

Emma chuckled. "You've opened the floodgates, Bae. Lilly and I are never going to see you now."

"I always have time for my girls."


	11. The Spaghetti Incident?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lilly recalls a humorous prank she played on her parents while she was a child...with Loki’s help!

Prompt from The Library Post

  
Finaqua Palace  
Lilly and Archie Strogoff’s Estate  
Fall, 2019

  
“Gramma, what’re ya doing?” Meredith inquired of Lilly when she walked into the kitchen to find her spreading flour on the table.

“I’m making spaghetti. Want to help me?”

“Why don’t you use some from the box?”

“Loki is coming and he likes his spaghetti homemade.” Lilly smiled. “That reminds me of a very funny story.”

“Oooh I wanna hear this one! You always have funny stories about Loki when you were a kid!”

“I’ll tell you while we work. Go wash your hands.”

“Okay!”

“I think you remember that Loki taught me how to cook. One of the things he taught me how to make was spaghetti. Now mind you, mine doesn’t look like what comes out of box because back then we didn’t have all these fancy gadgets, we used what was available. Loki always held my cooking lessons every other Sunday...that’s why he comes to dinner every Sunday now. Anyway...I was still learning control over my powers when we had this lesson and what happened that day is known as the spaghetti incident.”

“Ummm...Gramma, isn’t that the name of an album you have on your phone?”

“Yes,” Lilly laughed. “And this story comes to mind every time I listen to it!”

Lilly began rolling her dough while she talked.

  
Oz (The Outer Zone)   
Finaqua Palace   
Centuries earlier

“Godfather, what are we making today?” Seven year old Lilly inquired excitedly.

“We are making a dish I’ve acquired a taste for during my travels.” Loki spread some flour on the kitchen table and poured some more into a bowl. “I’ll need some eggs or have those chickens been too flighty to lay them?”

“No we have some fresh ones.” She handed him three eggs. He cracked them against the side of the bowl.

“Next I’ll need water.”

She handed him a cup and he began mixing the dough together with his hands.

“Godfather, your hands are all messy!” she laughed.

“Always expect a little mess Lilly,” he said while he put the dough on the table.”Rolling pin.”

She watched in fascination while he rolled the dough out, turning it over several times and sprinkling it with flour.

“Your dough needs to be nice and flat Lilly so you have to put some pressure on the pin and roll in every direction. Sprinkle some flour to keep it from sticking.”

Once he had the dough rolled out he washed his hands and summoned a knife, cutting the dough into thin strips. A mischievous smile crossed his lips and the dough strips floated off the table and began to dance, several of them spelling out Lilly’s name. She clapped her hands excitedly.

“Let me try Godfather! Please!”

“Your wish is their command, darling!”

She giggled and gestured, all the noodles flying off the table and wrapping around the god leaving only his eyes visible.

“I made you a mummy!” she boasted.

“Yes you did,” he chuckled when he released the spell.

He cleaned the noodles with another spell and sent them to a tray while he started cutting another set. Lilly, eager to try another prank waved her hand over the trays he’d finished and they floated out the window. Loki turned around to count how many trays he made and to his horror they were empty.

“Lilly, where are the rest of the noodles?”

“Ummm....out there,” she said nervously.

“LOKI, YOU GET US OUT OF HERE NOW!” they heard the Wizard yell.

“Oh I cannot wait to see this little prank, darling!” he laughed and teleported them out to the garden. The Wizard, Glinda and some of their courtiers were bound to the apple trees with the noodles! Glinda was amused, the others were not.

“In a bit of a tight squeeze, are we?” he quipped.

“Very funny! Now let us out!” the Wizard demanded.

Lilly was giggling beside him. “Now they look like mummies too!”

“This is your best one yet,” Glinda praised.

“Oh you can give your daughter credit for this one.”

“Lilliana!” The Wizard exclaimed. “What will you teach her next?”

Loki grinned. “Any mischief she wants.”

“You’re impossible Laufeyson!” The Wizard grumbled.

“Oh don’t be such a stick in the mud Alexander!” Glinda chided. “You’ve played your share of pranks.

“Yes I have. But if this was dinner I’m not eating it! It’s dirty!”

Loki rolled his eyes. “I should just leave you in there. In fact....”

He waved his hand and everyone but the Wizard vanished.

“Hey! Don’t leave me out here! Loki! LOOOKI!”

  
Finaqua Palace  
Fall, 2019

  
“...So how long did Loki leave Great-Grampa out there?”

“Oh, just until dinner was over and Papa wasn’t happy about that because he missed out on a delicious spaghetti dinner!”

“I want to try the trick with the noodles!”

“We can,” Lilly grinned. “What do you say we play it on Loki when he arrives. He’ll enjoy it.”

A few minutes later they heard Archie talking to Loki in the living room. Lilly nodded to Meredith and she waved her hand over the noddles. They floated out of the kitchen.

“Lilly! Loki’s trussed up like a mummy with noodles!” Archie exclaimed.

Lilly and Meredith laughed hysterically.

“Get a picture!” she called back.

“I did!”

Lilly and Meredith walked into the living room to see Loki still wrapped in noodles and stuck to the wall, baby Glinda staring at him with wide eyes from her father’s arms. Lilly waved her hand and released the spell, her godfather grinning at her.

  
“Who do I congratulate for this one, darlings?”

“Me!” Meredith admitted.

“So your gramma told you about the spaghetti incident, did she? You do me proud Lilly. Always have so do you, Merri!”

“We gotta teach Lindy when she gets older!”

“Now what are we having for dinner since Loki wore it?” Archie chuckled.

“Spaghetti,” Lilly replied. “Merri and I will make more noodles.”

“Just don’t be trussing me up with them!”

Grandmother and granddaughter grinned at each other.

“You might as well prepare yourself Archie. It’s coming. You never know when or where but it’s coming!”

  
“Well with you for a mentor I’m expecting it Loki. Come on. You can play with Lindy while we wait.”

“And I have just the thing to entertain her.” He gestured and the noodles started dancing and spelling out words, Baby Glinda trying to grab them with her tiny hands. She was having so much fun with them that Loki used his magic to transform them into a plush toy.

“Every time I look at that thing I’m gonna remember seeing you tied up like a mummy!”

“How do you think I feel? Every time I eat spaghetti I see Glinda and half her court tied to apple trees!”

“Any other pranks I should know about?”

“Oh, I have thousands, Archie, thousands!”

And he had two new students he was eager to teach every one.

 

 


	12. Craft Store SOS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when David Molk gets bored waiting for his wife to be done in the craft store and does something hilarious and Archie catches him in the act!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was originally posted on my tumblr blog based off my OUAT/Murder In The First roleplay but rewritten as part of my Gold Chronicles series. It is told in first person as Beth Molk and takes place while she is pregnant with DJ and living in Juno Beach.

"Honey, can you take me to Michaels please? I just need to pick up a few things." I asked David one morning after breakfast. He was doing most of his work at home now that I was pregnant again and didn't want me driving unless I absolutely needed to.

"Ummm….okay…gimme a few minutes to finish this up." He turned off his laptop and grabbed his wallet off the desk. We drove down to Palm Beach Gardens and I grabbed a cart as soon as I walked in. "Thought you said you just needed a few things."

"Yes, but I want to see what's on sale."

I could almost hear him adding things up in his head while I shopped. He teased me constantly about my spending, wanting to know if he needed to start looking in the want ads for a second job.

Along with my writing I was also doing several crafting projects with my sisters in law to keep me occupied while David was working, our oldest were at tee ball practice and Elsa napping. I started going down each of the aisles looking for things I would need using lists I made on my phone. It was easy for me to lose track of time while I was in the craft store because there were so many things I wanted to buy.

"Beth, the cart's getting full…"

"I just need a few more things."

We were in the aisle with the large wooden letters. I picked up some of them and put them in the cart along with a few other items with my back turned to my husband.

"Let's go down the next aisle," David suggested. Suddenly we heard laughing.

"That sounds like Archie," I said.

"Yeah…uhhh….Archie said he had to pick up something. Here, didn't you say you needed paint?"

"Yes! Thank you honey."

Archie was still laughing a few aisles behind us.

"I wonder what he's laughing at."

"Could be anything knowing him. You get everything you need?"

"Yes."

We started hearing more laughing in the store.

"What the heck is going on in here? Are people on crack?" I asked. Archie approached us grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"What's so funny?" I asked him.

"Oh nothing….just this!" He held up his phone. Someone had rearranged the wooden letters in the aisle to spell out WIFE WONT LEAVE.

"Let me guess. You did that." I shook my head. It would be just like him.

"Nope. Wasn't me…this time." He was still grinning.

"Oh, then who was it?"

"Probably just some other guy," David said.

"Really?" Archie handed me his phone and played a video of David rearranging the letters while my back was turned and then trying to get me into the other aisle before he was caught.

"Thanks a LOT Archie!" David groaned.

I leaned against the cart laughing hysterically. "That's a rather unique SOS, Detective!" I joked.

"That's what happens when a husband gets bored at the craft store," he countered with a smirk. "But I'm gonna be paying for it when we get all this added up, won't I?"

"Oh yes."

"Oh boy!" he sighed.

Archie's incriminating photos and video went viral the next day.


	13. A Little Message Mishap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt featuring the characters from the Mishap series, Loki Laufeyson from Gold Standard and Storybrooke Two's Belle. Gold Chronicles/ Gold Standard/Mishap Crossover...Bae from Storybrooke Six has the realms laughing when he writes a funny message for his wife while Belle from Storybrooke Two takes care of his kids at home with colds. 
> 
> The story references A Second Little Mishap and A Little Fishing Mishap

**The United Realms**

**Fall, 2019**

Once their practice merged with the clinics owned by Archie Bordreaux and Jiminy Ozopov, Bae Gold and Archie Hopper from the former Storybrooke Six decided to follow Jiminy and Archie Connor's advice and start seeing patients in their homes. They discovered that their patients enjoyed the less formal setting and those with younger children never needed to worry about a sitter when Belle of Storybrooke Two was willing to offer her services, bringing her own son Gideon to play with them. Having her in the house was also a godsend now that two of his three children were at home with bad colds.

"I'll be in my office most of the day Belle. Would you mind staying until Emma gets home?" he asked her when she arrived that morning.

"Not at all."

"Killian and Aria are in bed. They've got bad colds so you might wanna keep Gideon away from them so he doesn't catch it."

"That won't be easy! He is a Nevenger and will want to see his friends."

"Crap! I forgot about that." He handed her a bottle. "Papa left this for me to give to them every six hours. It tastes like crap but it works."

Belle laughed. "It's a Rumple thing. My ex-husband's potions taste the same but they knock the colds out of me and Gideon faster than any medicine the doctors give me."

He looked around. "Gods this place is a mess! I am so sorry. Emma and I have been so busy we haven't been doing much cleaning!"

"Not to worry. I'll have this house spotless in no time. I cleaned the Dark Castle and believe me that used to take days!"

"Still kinda odd seeing one of you not with a version of my father."

"It just wasn't meant to be Bae but we did try."

"I know. There's still someone in this realm for you. I know there is."

"Are you playing matchmaker Mister Gold?" she teased.

"Blame your other self. She helped get me and Em married and Archie and Selene."

"Well now that I've learned not to base my opinions of a good man on books, I might have better luck. Is there anything else I can do to help out?"

"Taking care of the kids is a big help! Be lucky you didn't have to deal with my dad, Regina and Belle as their younger selves. It was fun but oh gods...I probably drove my father as crazy as they drove me!"

She laughed. "I read those stories! My favorite one was the one where the kids were cooking and made such a mess in the kitchen!"

"Ahhh...the meatball incident. Yeah, we all had a good laugh over that one and I can still see my dad in his little Batman PJs catching me and Emma doing 'the nasty" as my son calls it in the bathroom!" He glanced up at the clock. "My first appointment is in a hour but I want to spend some time with Killian and Aria before then."

She handed him a mask. "You'll need this. No sense in Daddy getting sick."

Bae rapped twice on his youngest son's door to alert the boy to his arrival. Killian huddled under his Loki covers. Once he met both versions of the Norse God he'd become obsessed with having any and all merchandise related to him and his brother Thor. Emma was going to be picking up Thor and Loki Funko dolls at the store on the way home from work and another Ariel doll for their daughter.

"How ya feel buddy?"

"Like crap," Killian grouched. "Hate bein sick."

"I know you do but you're gonna get better soon. Look who came to sit with you today."

"Hey Miss Belle! You bring Gid?"

"Yes I did honey. He's out in the hall."

"Hi Killy!" Gideon yelled.

"Gideon, not so loud. You'll wake Aria."

"Sorry Mummy."

"If I wasn't feeling like crap we'd be doin' Nevenger stuff."

"S'okay. Mummy might let me watch stuff wif ya but I gots to wear a mask so's I don't get sick."

"Long as you don't wear one of those dull blue ones."

"Nuh-uh. Mummy got me Mickey ones!"

"Cool!" He stuck his tongue out when he saw the bottle in Belle's hands. "Yuck! That's Grampa's crap tasting stuff!"

"Yes but you gotta take it to feel better. You don't want to miss any more school, do you?" Bae asked him.

"Nope. The Nevengers are gettin my homework for me so I don't get behind when I go back. Dad, do I really havta stay in bed all day. I wanna go downstairs and watch that new Loki show!"

"You can come down for a little bit but you have to be covered up."

"Okay."

"And you have to wear the mask."

"Awwww!"

"You want your grampa sending the wipey army here?"

"No!"

"Then you wear the mask and keep your hands clean."

"Okay."

Bae ruffled his son's hair. "I'll see you in a little bit, buddy."

"You got patients coming?"

"Yeah, most of the day but I'll be with you during lunch and we can watch one of the Loki show episodes."

Killian nodded. "Glad our Loki decided he wanted a show of his own on our network. Bet the Disney one isn't gonna be as funny!"

"We'll see buddy."

Aria was already awake when they went into her room holding her plush Ariel.

"Daddy I don' feel good," she moaned.

"I know sweetie. Miss Belle is gonna take good care of you while I'm in the office."

She smiled. "Can we watch Beauty An The Beast Miss Belle?"

"We can watch anything you want sweetie. Gideon is here too."

"Oooh, hi Giddy!"

"Hi sweetie!' he called back. Belle and Bae gaped at each other.

"Did...did he just call my daughter 'sweetie'?" Bae sputtered.

"Uh-huh. I like Ria. She's my sweetie," the toddler declared.

"Uh-huh. Daddy, I wanna marry Giddy when I get big."

Belle shrugged. "I'm as surprised as you are Bae. I know they're the same age and all but..."

Bae cleared his throat. "Ahhh...okay, well you guys got a long time for that."

Emma is gonna have a conniption, he thought.

The couple was currently trying to have another baby but Emma had been experiencing some issues that Belle Bordreaux believed might be endometriosis and suggested she visit her ob-gyn Dr. Jo. Emma had her appointment earlier in the week and was waiting for some test results to come back, instructing Dr. Jo's office that if they couldn't reach her, they could leave a message with Bae.

Aria grinned. "I wait Daddy. Can I go downstairs?"

"You can as long as you stay covered up and wear your mask too. We don't want Gid getting sick, do we?"

"Uh-uh or Grampie will come over and make his wipies wipe everything. They weird Daddy!"

Bae had to agree with that statement. His father would summon the disposable wipe army every time he walked into the house and thought it was too dirty. The most recent incident had been a few weeks ago.

"How do you expect to keep the kids healthy when you can't keep the house clean, Baelfire! Dirty houses breed germs and germs lead to sick kids. Either keep up with the housework or hire a housekeeper. There are enough people in the realm now that could do the job!"

He thought about asking Belle but she already had a full schedule as a sitter and helping her counterparts out at the library.

He carried Killian and Aria downstairs and sat with them while Belle made everyone breakfast. Bae intended to cook himself but she insisted he relax and spend time with the children.

"You got a boyfriend yet Miss Belle?' Killian asked her.

"Ummm, no."

"We can help ya find one."

"Killian, don't even think about it!' his father warned.

"Why not? We got Archie and Selene hooked up on Match!"

"And you got lucky on that one! There are a lot of creeps on Match too!"

"There's a coupla things you gotta make sure of...he's gotta have a job, not be a deadbeat, not have any priors with a house and a car."

"Giddy you better get job or you not be my sweetie when we get big!" Aria shook her spoon at her surprised toddler sweetheart.

"I not a deadbeat! Daddy says I gonna own the shop when I get big, so there!" Gideon huffed.

Their parents laughed.

"Dad, the Realms' Match isn't like the outside Match. Creeps ain't allowed on there," Killian reminded his father.

"Belle can find her own boyfriend when she's ready."

An hour later Bae had to go to his office for his first appointment. Belle took the children into the living room and opened the sofa bed Bae and Emma bought recently on a suggestion from the Molks. Their counterparts from the original Storybrooke always had one in their living room.

She turned on the TV and Killian used the remote to change the channel. The familiar strains of the theme song to Legends of Asgard began to play. On screen the show began with the usual starring Loki Laufeyson, Thor Odinson, Miri and Astra Laufeyson, Modi Thorson, and various guest stars from the Norse pantheon and the Realms. Today's episode was called 'Dustbunnies Under the Bed" and featured an exasperated Loki trying to get Miri, Modi, and Astra to clean their rooms.

Killian laughed. "They shoulda got Hope Strogoff to star in this one! She says her dad gets dust bunnies in his office all the time!"

"Mummy says I gotta learn to cwean my room when I get bigger," said Gideon.

The kids giggled as they watched the Laufeyson children try and trick Loki by shoving everything in the closet under a blanket. . . or sweeping the dust under the Persian carpets in the bedroom.

"I did that before and Grampa nearly had a bird. His wipies found it all!"

"If you make our house dirty you cwean it!" Aria informed Gideon.

"Yeah sweetie."

"Wonder how he's gonna get 'em to clean it all up," Killian mused.

"Do they gets to use magic?' Aria wanted to know.

"Doubt it."

Once the children finished hiding their messes the show paused for a commercial.

"Glad we don't have as many commercials as regular TV," Killian mumbled.

"Hey that's Grampa! HIIII GRAMPA!" Aria yelled and waved at the TV when her grandfather appeared on the screen for an ad for his pawnshop.

Killian laughed. "Grampa really hates havin to be in front of the camera but Gramma says his sales doubled now that he's been on TV!"

"Daddy does those too wif Melnie," Gideon said.

The show was back on and Loki reappeared on screen announcing a room inspection while his nephew and children were confident he would never be able to find their messes.

Killian shook his head. "They really oughta know better. He's gonna find it all!"

Sure enough, the God of Mischief located the dust bunnies under the rug in Astra's room. "What's THIS?" he demanded, tapping his boot on the floor and pointing to the dust and dirt. "How did that get there, Astra?"

The toddler shrugged. "Maybe it was born there!"

Loki turned and faced the camera and facepalmed himself.

KIllian, Aria and Gideon laughed.

"That's dumbest one I've ever heard from Astra!" Killian giggled.

Belle pulled the show up on the Realms Network mobile app and took several screenshots of Loki.

She was about to lock her phone when Killian peered over her her arm. "Hey Miss Belle, why you have Loki on your phone screen? You have a crush on him or something?"

"Oh, ahhh...that's the actor who plays him on the outside!" she said quickly. It was, but now her secret was out.

"Yeah, Mummy really likes him," Gideon added.

Belle groaned,

"Uh-oh...lookit! Now it's Modi's turn!" Aria pointed to the TV.

The children watched as Loki entered his nephew's room, the teen confident his deception would not be discovered.

After inspecting the rest of the room Loki walked over to the closet and opened the door. The second he did he was hit full force with a pile of junk!

"Ha ha ha now he's gonna get it!" Killian sang.

"Modi Thorsson, what do you call this?" the god demanded of his nephew, tapping his foot.

"Ummm...ummm..."

"Well?"

"Ummm...stuff."

"Junk is more like it! Whatever you don't use, get rid of it."

Loki watched his nephew like a hawk while he sorted through everything in the closet, bagging up the trash and throwing everything he wasn't using in a small bin.

Loki picked up the bin and held it out so that everyone watching could see what was inside. "These clothes Modi hasn't worn in a while are still in good condition so we're going to donate them to kids that need them."

"Yay!" Aria clapped her hands. "Mister Loki learning how to 'cycle like Mister Bordreaux and Mister Ozopov say we should cause it keeps stuff outta the water and ground."

Meanwhile Bae's patient left the office after their session and made some notes on the session while he waited for the next patient. He'd just finished his notes when the phone rang.

"This is Anne from Doctor Jo's office. Is Deputy Gold available?"

"Ummm no, she's at work. This is her husband."

Bae began writing down the message the office left, having been given permission to do so by Emma but Bae decided he was going to have a little fun with his wife.

He wrote:  _Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. Your Pabst Beer was normal. I didn't know you liked Pabst Beer._

He tore the page he'd written the message on and took it out to the kitchen, sticking it on the refrigerator.

"...Miss Belle, can we get some more juice?" Killian asked her.

"Okay but you guys stay right here."

She went into the kitchen and as she was about to open the refrigerator door she saw something written on a Post It and began to read. Seconds later she was leaning against the wall laughing hysterically.

"Hey MIss Belle, what's so funny?" Killian asked when he came into the kitchen.

"Something...something...your dad...wrote to your mom!"

Killian glanced up at the Post It and began to read, frowning. "Ummm Miss Belle, I never heard of no Gyna College and Mom says Pabst Beer tastes like crap!"

Belle was still laughing.

"Mummy, why you laughin? Did Killy make a funny?"

"No Gid I think my dad did."

Belle took a picture of the message on her phone and messaged it to her ex-husband and Melanie

_MelanieMagestrix: OMG! And the kids saw it?_

_They don't know what it means_ , Belle typed back.

_RumpleMagestrix: I can just see the looks on their faces now...send that to Rumple. He'll laugh his ass off!_

"Hey Miss Belle you better quit laughin or you're gonna pee yourself and I'm not cleanin it up!" Killian exclaimed.

Belle got the kids their juice and returned to the living room, her phone beeping every few seconds with another notification that someone had seen her message.

"Belle!" she heard Bae laugh when he opened his office door. "Did you post that on Facebook!"

"Ummm...yes..." she giggled.

"Hold on...Em's on the phone."

A puff of white smoke appeared in his office revealing his wife, tears of mirth in her eyes.

"That is one of your best ones Bae!"

She held up her phone showing Belle's Facebook post.

"Thanks babe but look at all these comments!" He scrolled down to show one written by his father.

_And that, dearies is why I NEVER let my son take MY messages!_

Emma giggled at one from Loki.

_LokiofAsgard: Are you SURE you're not related to me? Sigyn and I nearly wet ourselves laughing!_

_I don't know,_ Emma typed back. _I think Belle peed her pants!_

"Hey Mom! I think Miss Belle needs a change of clothes!" they heard their son yell.

"Mummy! You need a pull up?" Gideon scolded.

Emma nearly fell over when she read the next comment, this one from Persephone.

_WickedGodesssoftheUnderworld: Maybe Bae needs to take classes at Gyna College on how to take a message_

"Giddy, you gonna leave me notes that make me laugh?" Aria asked him.

"Uh-huh an ones with little hearts on when Mummy teaches me how."

"I think I need a beer. We got any Pabst in the house?"

Bae laughed. "No but we've got plenty of Coors, Em!"

"Oh my God...I can only imagine what kind of message you'd leave me with a Coors reference in it!"

"Hey Mom, Dad! Mister Glass is on the news with a special report!"

Bae and Emma ran into the living room just as Sidney Glass from the first Storybrooke appeared on the screen from behind his news desk.

"A Facebook post by Belle Gold has people laughing from the pawn shops to the palaces in the mountains this morning. Here is a picture of the post."

"Holy crap! It went viral!" Killian exclaimed.

They could hear laughing in the newsroom.

"The post has thousands of likes and the comments keep coming in by the second. Hats off to Bae Gold for our laugh of the day. And now we return to our regularly scheduled program."


	14. Country Club Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bae, Rumple, Archie and David tell the tale of the Summer of 2016, known as the Caddyshack Incident. When Rumple and his extended family become members of a posh country club some of the hijinx they pull pays homage to the classic comedy film Caddyshack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by one of my favorite classic comedy films, Caddyshack and also references some of the events of Seasons 1 and 2 of Murder In The First.

**I'm alright**

**Nobody worry 'bout me**

**Why you got to gimme a fight?**

**Can't you just let it be?**

**Kenny Loggins – I’m Alright (Main theme from Caddyshack)**

 

**The United Realms**   
**The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille**   
**Fall, 2019**

It’s was guys’ night in The United Realms and most of them were gathered at what was considered the biggest hot spot in the realms, The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille, the bar owned by Rumple Strogoff. They were gathered in the main dining room and had pushed all the tables together to form one large one, but it wasn’t just United Realms residents that gathered at the bar. Loki Laufeyson was a frequent visitor along with his brother Thor and now their counterparts from the alternate Asgard were stopping in to enjoy the food and drinks and converse with their counterparts and new friends. 

“It’s storytime boys!” Bae Strogoff announced, slamming his bottle of Michelob Ultra down on the table. 

“Please, please please tell me you’re finally gonna tell us about the Caddyshack thing! I’ve been bugging you for months!” his counterpart from the former Storybrooke Six pleaded. 

“So have I!” added Bae Laufeyson. 

“What Caddyshack thing?” asked Loki Odinson. The other men started laughing. 

“How familiar are you with this part of Midgard’s culture?” Loki Laufeyson inquired of his counterpart. 

“I’m learning. Caddyshack is a movie, isn’t it?” 

“Oh yeah,” his brother laughed and nudged his counterpart. “We watched it last week. You gotta watch it Loki or you’re not gonna understand what Bae’s talking about.” 

“How do you know about it?” Bae demanded. Thor scowled. 

“Who am I engaged to again?” 

“Yeah but Seph wasn’t around for that.” 

“She heard about it!” 

“So quit stalling and tell!” ordered Bae Weaver. 

Rumple chuckled as he took his seat at the head of the table. “My son acts like he played the lead role in this little incident but at the end of the day the big winners were Archie and me, or Jiminy as the rest of you lot know him.” 

“We still played our part Papa.” 

“Oh verra well. I’ll gie ye that one.” 

“Why don’t you all tell it?” Loki Laufeyson suggested. 

Rumple cleared his throat. “After our Miami and Vegas vacations a good number of us decided to make Juno Beach our home permanently but we’d come back to Storybrooke One for the winter. We were determined to fit in as much as possible so I had the idea that we should join the country club. A few of our friends proposed us for membership at Greenhaven.” 

“They didn’t know it at the time, but Greenhaven has a rather dark history,” David Molk spoke up.  “In 1982 a girl named Linda Foxworth was found on the golf course raped and strangled. The killer was Peyton Daniels, son of Warren Daniels. You know who he is,” he said to his former Storybrooke Six counterpart. That David Molk, now using the name Jasper Knight, snorted. 

“Too well. He got the head of the corrupt cops union in the SFPD four freakin years when he should’ve gotten life. “Warren Daniels was a hotshot attorney in San Francisco who also got that tech giant Eric Blunt off on the murder of his girlfriend, but we got his ass on another murder. Daniels’ wife was from a powerful political family that was called the ‘Kennedys of Palm Beach.’” 

“Holy hell!” Bobby Weaver exclaimed. “Are you telling me YOU were the ones who brought the McCallisters down?” 

Edgar Navarro nodded. “And Warren Daniels. The Foxworth murder and another tied to it were our last cases with the cold squad at the Juno Beach PD.” 

“Had you known the club’s history would you have asked to be members?” Archie Bordreaux wanted to know. 

“Hell no!” Jiminy and Rumple exclaimed in unison. 

“That club was the Bushwood of Juno Beach, so we decided to give it the Bushwood treatment,” Bae said with a grin. 

**Juno Beach, Florida**   
**Summer, 2016**

Although the Strogoff Gold family and their closest friends spent the summer months in Florida, they mostly kept to themselves in the first two years but now that they knew this world was their permanent home, they also knew they would have to try to integrate into society. Rumple started making more contacts through his antique business as did Belle. Bae was already well known in the interior design world and Regina had her circle of gambling friends. 

The party that would be travelling to Florida three years later was much larger because it now included Rumple's cousins DG, Azkadellia, Zelena their spouses and friends Ambrose and Tinkerbell, Bae and Emma's daughter Lilly, Cyrus and Alice and Will and Anna. The former genie and his wife were fascinated with the Golds' tales of life in what seemed like a tropical paradise and wanted to experience it themselves as did Anna and Will. Rumple offered to have Cyrus and Alice stay at Avonlea since there was more than enough room to accommodate them in the grand mansion. Regina invited Will and Anastasia to stay at Rocinante. 

One of the first families on their street that made an effort to befriend them was the Sullivans. Allison and Gilbert Sullivan were part of the noveaux riche portion of society like the Golds while many others made their money the old-fashioned way: inheriting it. One night while Rumple and Belle were having dinner with them Allison suggested that the couple and their friends and family join the same country club they did, Greenhaven.

"Do they have golf?" Rumple asked. He'd played a primitive form of the sport since his days of living in the Dark Castle by hitting balls into holes he conjured all over the palace. When Belle went to live with him, it nearly drove her insane because she was constantly having to be on the lookout for balls or holes on the floor. He kept asking Regina to build a golf course in Storybrooke and she was still trying to make a place for it without Archie staging another protest at the town hall. Now that outsiders were coming to the town, all the magicians avoided using magic in their presence and the children of the town were well coached to keep their secret. 

"Yes, also tennis courts, swimming pools, spas...you name it, we have it. You'll need to be sponsored by another member to get in but we'll be happy to do that and so can our other friends once we introduce you around. I have to warn you though...some of the members can be a bit...snobby." Allison said. 

"The worst are Rupert and Phoebe Hallivand and Stewart Morrisey," Gilbert added. "They're what we call 'the old guard'. Inherited money and look down on those of us who actually work for it. Rupert and Morrisey own a huge portion of the club and are not above making someone they don't like miserable until they withdraw their membership, or they get kicked out." 

"Oh I've dealt with some difficult beings in my life and a pack of spoiled heirs should be a walk in the park," Rumple said. 

"Great. We can go tomorrow if you're not too busy." 

"No, I can have Ken run the shop for me." His stepson Jon Darling ran his antique shop in Storybrooke while the former owner helped him run his shop in Florida. Later that night after they got home, Rumple discussed the idea of joining the country club with Bae. 

"This place sounds like Bushwood," Bae spoke up. 

"Where?" Rumple asked his son. 

"Oh, just some place in a movie," Bae replied. His father wasn't a big movie watcher and when he did sit down to watch a movie, it was usually a childrens' one, an action movie or a mystery. He also begrudgingly watched chick flicks with Belle. Thankfully his friends and even his son shared his taste in comedies and could understand him when he referenced one. "I'll even join. It'll give us all a chance to spend some time together. I suck at golf, but they probably have other things to do." 

The next day the Golds, Hoppers, Hoods and their friends and relatives set out to Greenhaven. Bae's suspicions about the club being a carbon copy of Bushwood from the movie Caddyshack seemed justified when he could see people staring at them with their noses so high in the air it could've snowed on them. He and his father had gotten used to that back in the Forest when they were poor, but it still made him angry. While he and his father were sitting in the office of one of the owners the Rupert Hallivand, Bae was having a difficult time not asking his father to go Dark One or Rumfather on the man. Hallivand insisted on standing up while he talked to them and his voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. 

"We are very selective about who we allow to join our club," Hallivand informed them. "And we don't really know all that much about your family except that you stay here three months out of the year."   
"My son and I both have successful businesses here and in Maine." Rumple said calmly. "And...we haven't had much time to socialize in the last few years due to some....family issues." 

Hallivand didn't seem all that interested in making an effort to be polite, something that stuck in Rumple's craw. His knuckles were gripping the handle of his cane so tightly that they were turning white. All he really wanted to do was swing it and teach this upstart a good lesson in just who he was dealing with and it sure as hell wasn't a simple antiquities dealer. Still, he couldn't let his temper get the best of him. The last thing he needed was to spend another night in a jail cell. 

"Yes, well...since you seem to have the support of the Sullivans, I suppose we can propose your membership to the committee." 

"Thank you," Rumple said politely. Pompous bastard, he thought as he shook the man's hand, tempted to crush it or just turn him into a snail and crush him under the heel of his shoe. He was trying very hard to keep his former Dark One impulses under control but he wouldn't stand for people insulting him, his family or his friends without being taught a lesson. 

He was still fuming when he returned to the room he and Belle had been given at the clubhouse. She was unpacking their things while Hope and Nathan were taking their afternoon nap. Rumple conjured a soundproof dome over the bed where the children were sleeping and tossed his cane in the corner. 

"I take it the meeting didn't go well," Belle said softly. 

"I cannot stand it when people talk down to me!" he raged. "It makes feel like I'm still that crippled, cowardly spinner and I do not want to feel that way anymore!" 

"Darling," Belle placed her hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Don't let them make you feel that way," she advised. "The only people whose opinions should matter to you are those of your family and friends....and we love you." 

"I know sweetheart but since this is the only world we have to live in now, I want to be accepted because these people know nothing about my past."

“Not at the cost of your own dignity darling,” she said. 

“Oh, it won’t come to that dearie, but I am getting in that club whether that upstart likes it or not.” 

The senior members were furious when the Golds and their friends had been able to secure enough votes to gain membership into the club. 

**The United Realms**   
**The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille**   
**Fall, 2019**

“…So you got in?” Bae Weaver asked. Bae Strogoff smirked and nodded. 

“And that, boys, is when the fun started!” 

Juno Beach, Florida   
Summer, 2016

"Henry, do you want to play golf with me today?" Rumple asked his grandson.

"Sure. Don't I need a bag?" 

"No, no. You can use my clubs." 

"I wanna go too. See, I have my own stick!" Nathan cried, holding up a gold club and swinging it in front of Henry, who backed away before it hit him. 

"Nathan, Nathan, careful with that!" Rumple scolded the toddler gently. "What did I say about swinging your clubs like ball bats?" 

"Not supposed to do it," the child answered and lowered the club. 

"That's right. And why did I say that?" 

"Cause I could hit somebody an hurt 'em." 

"Yes. All right, you can play golf with Daddy and Henry." 

"Yay!" 

"Rumple, are you sure? I can take him with us when Hope and I go to that estate sale," Belle suggested. 

"Don't wanna shop. Wanna golf!" Nathan pouted. 

"All right but you behave for Daddy." 

"I'll be good Mommy." he promised. 

"Let's get you dressed in your golf clothes, little imp," Rumple said, picking up his son and setting him down on the bed while he opened the closet and took out the golfing outfit he bought for the boy on a website called The Littlest Golfer which sold clothing and golf equipment for children. Belle had no interest in the game and neither did their daughter but Nathan had been asking to learn how to play after seeing his father putting golf balls into cups back in Storybrooke and it gave Rumple a chance to have some father-son time with his youngest. The outfit consisted of a white hat, khaki shorts and a t-shirt with a picture of a turtle standing in front of a hole with the words Daddy's My Caddie written on it. Once his son was dressed, Rumple picked him up with one arm, held his cane with the other and they left the room, Henry carrying his small uncle's little golf bag. 

Adam drove to the front of the clubhouse in the golf cart with Rumple's bag loaded on the back. 

"Hi Nathan!" he greeted. 

"I gonna golf with Daddy today!" the little boy bragged. 

"With him teaching you you'll whomp the butts off the other kids in the club in no time," Adam assured him. "Hop in guys!" 

Archie drove up next to them in his own golf cart with Andy. "Oooh I like that shirt Nathan has on. Can I get one Daddy?" Andy asked. 

"I'll get you one before we go back to Maine," Archie promised his son and the group drove out to the golf course. Unfortunately, Hallivand and Morrisey were already there when they arrived.

"Mr. Gold, Doctor Hopper, we don't allow anyone under the age of twelve on the golf course," Morrisey informed them as they approached.   
"It's not in the rulebook, dearie," Rumple reminded him icily. 

"Yes it is." 

"Since when?" Archie demanded. "Just now?" 

"Your youngest grandchildren cannot be on the golf course," Morrisey reiterated. 

"These are our sons!" Rumple said through gritted teeth. "And since this so-called rule is not in writing, we'll have them here on the course if we want to!" 

"Daddy, I wanna play golf." Nathan cried. 

"You can be quiet," Hallivand barked at the toddler. 

"Don't you ever talk to my son like that again!" Rumple threatened. 

"Or you'll what?" Hallivand challenged.

 Rumple flicked his wrist behind his back and sent an invisible energy blast at the other man, knocking him off his feet. "Oh, lose our footing, did we?" he asked and chuckled as did Henry, Adam, Archie and Andy and Nathan. Hallivand glared at him as he got back on his feet and dusted off his pants, unaware that he had two large grass stains on his backside courtesy of more of Rumple's magic. 

"I don't know what you're up to Gold but come hell or high water you and your little band of miscreants will be out of this club before the summer's over!" he snarled, spinning on his heel and walking away with Morrisey at his heels. 

"Oh man that was awesome! I don't know how he tripped but it was freaking hilarious!" Adam laughed. "And did you see his as...uhhhh butt....he has two big stains on it!" 

"He just had a little accident, that's all. Happens to the worst of us." Rumple said nonchalantly. Nathan, are you ready to play golf now?" 

"Uh huh." 

"Okay, let's get one of your clubs out and I'll show you how to tee off." 

Adam handed the little boy a small club while Rumple took out his and stuck a tee in the ground, placing a golf ball on top of it. 

"Okay...now watch Daddy for a second. You swing your club back like this....and then bring it forward and hit the ball," he instructed, demonstrating.

Shit!" Henry cursed when he swung his club and missed again. 

Rumple spun around. "Henry Mills Gold! Watch your language!" he snapped. "There are toddlers here." 

"Sorry Grandpa, I forgot." 

"Next time you get a soap mouthwash. I'm not kidding." 

"What's 'shit' mean Daddy?" Nathan asked. 

"Nathaniel!" Rumple cried. "It's a bad word and your nephew knows better than to be saying it around you!" 

"Shit, shit shit!" Andy mimicked. Archie dropped his club and scowled at his six-year-old son.  

"Andrew Tyler Ozopov-Hopper, I hear that come out of your mouth one more time and it gets washed out!" Archie warned his son. His son lowered his eyes to the ground. 

"Sorry Daddy." 

"Has he figured it out yet?" Diego asked Bae while they were playing a few feet away.

"No. " Bae answered, glancing over at his father who was close to having a breakdown.       

"Turds!" Henry grumbled when he missed his shot again. Bae and Diego snickered.

"Turds!" Nathan mimicked. Rumple groaned. Did his grandson not remember little pitchers had big ears? 

"Turds!" Andy repeated. 

Archie slapped his forehead. "Rumple, what on earth..." 

"I don't know!" 

"Double farts!" Henry called out while his father and uncle laughed hysterically and his grandfather threw his club down and turned around again, hands on his hips. 

"Double farts, double farts, double farts," Nathan chanted, swinging his own club and not hitting his ball. 

"Aww shiiiiit!" Andy whined. 

"Andrew!" his father snapped. The toddler clapped his hands over his mouth. 

Henry doubled over laughing. 

"Henry! Nathan! Knock it off! And just what is so funny over there?" Rumple demanded of his older sons. 

"Ummm...nothing Papa," Bae muttered.

Rumple threw up his hands in frustration. "I'm surrounded by lunatics," he complained. "Come on, Adam lad," he instructed his caddie. "C'mon Nathan." The boys followed him down to the next hole while Bae, Diego and Henry lagged behind laughing. Angelo, Robin and Charming who were playing a few yards away approached them. 

"What's going on?" Angelo asked. 

"I just did Spaulding's scene from Caddyshack and Grandpa still doesn't get it," Henry explained. 

"And he won't either. Doesn't watch stuff like that," Robin reminded them. 

"Did you see Nathan and Andy...it was hilarious." Bae said. 

"No, we missed it. What did they do?" Charming asked.

“Oh, just mimicking me.” 

Further down the green they could see Havilland and Morrisey. Suddenly Henry started laughing again. 

“I dare one of you to hit them right in the nuts!” 

“Oh, come on! Do you really think we’re good enough to pull that shot off?” his father demanded. 

“Who commands the winds?” his son countered. “Dangerfield did it.” 

“That was a camera trick! Someone threw that ball and hit Ted Knight!” 

“You chickening out, Dad?” 

“I’m game!” Robin laughed. 

“Oh, what the hell. Go for it,” Bae chuckled. 

“This I have to see,” Diego mumbled and turned his phone’s camera on. 

“Fore!” Robin and Bae yelled and swung their clubs. As their balls soared through the air Henry gestured and a gust of wind blew them toward the spots where Hallivand and Morissey were standing. Seconds later both men were groaning and clutching their groins. 

“Shoulda yelled two!” Bae giggled. 

“Daddy, why’re they holdin their winkies for?” Nathan asked his father. Rumple shook his head and started walking to the next hole. 

“Ewww that’s gross! You’re not ‘sposed to hold your winkie in public!” Andy made a face. 

“Which one of you did it?” Hallivand demanded of Archie. 

“Did what?” 

“Hit us in the groin you bastards, that’s what!” 

“I didn’t do it!” Archie protested. 

“Neither did I!” Rumple said angrily. “Look at the evidence, dearies. Those balls are orange. We’re using white balls. Accidents happen.” 

“I’m warning you Gold….” Morrisey growled. 

“Warn all you like. We’ve done nothing wrong. Come along Nate.” 

“Love to know who pulled off those shots,” Adam chuckled. 

Up on the hill Henry, Bae, Robin, Diego, Charming and Angelo decided that it was time to out Phase Two of “Annoy The Hell Out of the Snobs” into action. Henry summoned His Ipod and docking station and turned it on, raising the volume as high as he could with his magic. 

“I was alone I never knew what good love could do  
Then we touched then we sang about the loving things  
All night all night every night  
So hold tight hold tight baby hold tight…” Journey sang while they danced. 

Rumple cursed under his breath as he missed the ball a second time, unable to concentrate over the loud music up on the hill. 

"Gold! You want to tell your little entourage we have rules about music on the golf course!" Hallivand snapped. 

He turned his head and sure enough there were his sons, grandson and Robin standing on the top of the hill with a portable docking station turned up full blast with Journey's Any Way You Want It playing and they were dancing. He groaned, excused himself and started trekking up the hill to where they were all standing. Adam followed close behind chuckling and shaking his head. 

"Are you out of your minds? This is a golf course, not a nightclub, now turn that off! You're breaking my concentration, dammit!" he barked. Henry immediately pushed the pause button on the Ipod and lowered the volume on the docking station. 

"Sorry Papa. We just felt a little payback was in order for what they did to you and Nathan," Bae explained. 

"Oh, I think being dumped on his ass and his nice pants ruined was payback enough," Rumple said and walked away, still shaking his head. 

“He STILL doesn’t get it!” Charming laughed. 

**The United Realms**   
**The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille**   
**Fall, 2019**

“…After the music prank we decided to cool it for a while,” Bae was saying. 

“The ball shots were the best!” Jeff Carstairs laughed as he took a swig of his beer. The two Lokis nodded in agreement. 

“A couple days later we all decided to go to the clubhouse for dinner and dancing. They were celebrating the club’s anniversary. We thought they’d loosen up a little but boy were we wrong!” 

“Oh this oughta be good!” Jack Sparrow laughed. 

“It is!” 

  
**Juno Beach, Florida**   
**Summer, 2016**

"Rum! Belle! Over here," Allison called out, waving her hand high in the air at a large table in the center of the room. She and her friends arranged themselves so there was enough room to accommodate Rumple and his large family. "I was getting worried you weren't going to come," she added once they were all sitting down. 

"Well, our wee ones were a bit upset we were going out with them," Rumple confessed. 

"Is Hope and Jenny's play date still on for tomorrow?" Belle inquired. 

"Of course. And Gil and I would like all of you to spend this weekend with us on our yacht. Have you bought one for yourself yet Rum?" 

"I haven't given it much thought since I'm working in the shop most of the week." 

"Robin and I already know which one we want," Regina spoke up. 

"Great. There are several spaces beside us in the harbor. We'd love to have you as our neighbors there too." 

"I've already registered the Bellaggio here," Zelena spoke up, referring to the sailboat she and her husband owned.  

She frowned when she saw Rupert and Phoebe Hallivand approaching the table. 

“Alison dear, are you hosting a charity dinner?” Phoebe inquired smugly. 

“Not this week, no.” 

“Oh? I thought you were hosting one tonight for your guests.” 

“Bitch!” Emma hissed her hands clenched into fists. Regina was fighting the urge to roast bitch. 

“Putana,” Zelena grumbled. 

“Really Phoebe, you would think with the allowance Rupert gives you, you could afford some manners,” Beth retorted. 

“With all the money you have, you could afford another celebrity husband.” 

“No thanks. I wanted a real man, not one who tries to act like one and sucks at it.” 

“Phoebe lass, would ye like tae remind us all how ye met Rupert?” Channon asked with a smirk. Everyone except Beth, David and Diego was in shock. Phoebe’s face was crimson. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Phoebe exclaimed. 

“Do I? Ye forget I have pictures…and videos,” Channon reminded. “Ye still have that old schoolgirl uniform?” 

David nearly choked on his steak. 

“Honey!” Beth exclaimed. Archie gestured under the table.

“T…Thanks,” he mumbled. 

“So, people in glass houses should nae throw stones dearie,” Rumple giggled. Phoebe growled and walked away with her equally furious husband in tow. 

“Was she really one of your girls?” Regina wanted to know. 

“Oh aye. And she was visiting a few of my men before I closed,” Channon replied. “Beth’s got files on every client I ever had, and she’s got my permission to use them if need be.” 

“A lot of them are high profile,” David added. “I’m not thrilled with the idea of having blackmail material on anyone but in their case I’m damn glad of it because Phoebe and some of her other high society friends like making fun of me when Beth and I come to their charity fundraisers.” He made a face. “They only do them for the publicity. They don’t give a damn about the causes they’re supposed to be supporting.” 

“You gonna eat your fat?” Henry asked Rumple. Bae, Robin, Charming, Diego, Beth, David and DG started laughing. 

“What?” Rumple asked, puzzled. 

“What’s so funny?” Archie asked his brother. David and Beth gaped at him. 

“You didn’t get that?”

“Get what, Beth?”  

“He brags about being up to date on popular culture and he misses a Caddyshack reference?” Beth whispered to her husband. David shrugged. 

“Somebody tell the cook this is low grade dog food,” Henry complained. “I want a hamburger, no…a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake, I want….” 

“You’ll get nothing and like it!” Bae exclaimed. Many of the other occupants of the table were laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. 

“Have they all gone mad?” Rumple asked his wife. 

“I don’t know,” she confessed while she sipped her wine. 

"Time to liven this funeral parlor up," Bae announced as he, Diego and Robin rose from their chairs and walked over to the bandleader and started talking to him. 

"What the hell are they up to now?" Rumple grumbled. The band started playing the opening notes to Earth, Wind and Fire's 'Boogie Wonderland'. Henry snickered then laughter erupted at their table. Rumple buried his face in his hands and shook his head. "They're going to get me committed to a mental hospital. I'm certain of it," he said to Belle while his sons and their significant others and started dancing followed by DG and her very reluctant spouse as did Azkadellia. Beth and David were already on the floor dancing. 

"I really don't like disco but I'll dance to it if it annoys the hell out of those stiff asses over there," DG said to Bae. 

"Hallivand looks like he's about to explode," Bae said, twirling  Emma across the floor. She was still getting used to dancing and Bae's feet had gotten stepped on quite a few times in the process, but he never complained. It wasn't long before everyone else but Rumple and Belle were on their feet. They would dance, just not to that music. When the song was over, he walked over to the band leader.

"Can you play any of Miranda Santanna's songs?" 

"We sure can. What would you like to hear?" 

"Consume Me," Belle spoke up. 

"Now this is real music," Rumple said and gave his wife a come hither look. She smiled and rose to her feet, taking his hand in hers and they moved to the center of the dance floor and began to dance the salsa the way Miranda Santanna taught them years before the first time they visited her restaurant in Miami Beach. 

"Is it me, or is it getting hot in here!" Emma exclaimed and started fanning herself. Although her in-laws weren't professional dancers, the passion they felt for each other was reflected in their movements. 

"I didn't know Rumple could dance like that!" Regina exclaimed, obviously impressed. 

"I wonder who taught him," Robin mused. 

"It had to be Miranda. She's the best salsa instructor in Miami," Diego answered. 

"And nothing brings out a McDermott's passionate nature than dancing...and sex. It's even better when one comes right after the other." Channon said with a smirk as she watched her cousin and his wife on the dance floor. "People used to say Grammy and Pappy could almost set the floor on fire when they danced. Of course, they ended up going straight to bed afterwards and could've probably burned the castle down with the heat they were giving off. Who wants to bet me Rum and Belle get 'tired' after all that dancing?" she challenged. 

"All that will mean is Rumple's age is catching up to him and he'll need to rest up." Regina joked. 

"No it won't," Channon argued. "Believe me....every one of us gets like this. They'll be all over each other even before they get to the bedroom. Right, Diego?" she asked her husband. 

"Okay. I'm in," Emma said. "How much do you want to bet, Regina?" 

"Ummm...twenty I guess. Let's keep it cheap for now," she answered and pulled a twenty dollar bill out of her purse. Emma added hers to the pile as did Robin.     

"Double or nothing they start going at it in the elevator!" Diego crowed. 

"Rumple?" Regina laughed. "I can't see it. You're on!" She added another twenty to the pile, the others who were joining in follow suit. 

Channon giggled. "Oh, she doesn't know our family very well, does she baby?" she asked her husband. He laughed too. 

"Now then, who wants spy detail?" Regina asked the group. 

At the end up the song, Rumple dipped his wife and brought her back up again, both of them panting as their eyes locked. He didn't know what it was, but his body felt like it had been tossed into a lava pit and his hormones were in overdrive. The only thing he could think about was taking his gorgeous wife to their room and making love to her until they couldn't walk and the look in her eyes was telling him she was as eager to leave as he was. Now that he thought about it, his libido had gotten quite a boost after their visit to Ballyloch and he discovered he was in fact, a mirror image of her late father.

“Hey everybody! Grampa’s gonna get laid!”

“Henry!” Archie scolded. 

“He’s not the only one,” David murmured, giving his own wife heated looks. 

“Oh, get a room!” 

“Where d’ye think we get our passionate streak from? He’s our forefather,” Channon reminded them, nodding at David. 

“I know where I wanna go,” Emma leaned over and started whispering in Bae’s ear. 

“Oh, you’re on!” he cried, grabbing her hand and running out of the dining hall as fast as their feet could carry them. 

“Robin, you want to get a hole in one the easy way?” Regina asked him. He dropped his wine glass. 

“Lead the way Your Majesty!”

**The United Realms**   
**The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille**   
**Fall, 2019**

“…After the club incident Hallivand and Morrisey started putting pressure on the other members of the board to vote us out,” Rumple was saying. 

“But some of the other board members liked how we were livening the place up, so they didn’t want to change their votes,” Bae added. “The women were another story. They all wanted us out, especially Phoebe because Channon and Beth knew too much about her past.” 

Loki Laufeyson was smiling. “Oh and I sense you weren’t finished with the pranks!” 

“Nope. The best was yet to come.” 

“The Baby Ruth in the pool,” Thor announced. 

“Hey, I was getting to it!” 

“So, get to it!” the other Baes ordered. 

Juno Beach, Florida   
Summer, 2016

"Watch this," Bae said and pointed in the direction of the gate when Channon, Emma, Zelena and Regina entered; Channon wearing a lavender bikini, Regina wearing a black bikini, Zelena a green one while Emma wore a red one. Robin, Henry, Angelo and Diego started laughing when most of the men in the pool and sitting around it stopped what they were doing and started staring, Hallivand included. Henry discreetly gestured and Kenny Loggins’ Mr. Night began to play on his docking station. 

“Your Mona Lisa  
She took her smile of gold  
Run under the border guard  
And put it over on her Romeo…” 

"My wife's bosom has gotten us out of quite a few scraps with the Venice police during Carnival," Angelo chuckled. 

Phoebe slapped her husband's arm to get his attention, but he ignored her, his eyes following Channon, Emma and Regina as they made their way over to the diving board. 

“Mommy, why’s all the guys starin at Auntie Channon?” David and Beth’s daughter Cami asked. Her mother snickered. 

“Cause they think she’s hot,” her eldest brother replied. 

“Jasper!” David dropped the book he was reading. 

“Well you stare at Mommy a lot cause you think she’s hot.” 

She is, David thought and picked up his book. 

Regina climbed the ladder first and executed a perfect dive into the water. Robin cheered and whistled at her as she swam over to the opposite end of the pool and others soon followed suit. They gave Emma the same reception as she copied Regina's dive perfectly and so did Channon and Zelena. 

From his lounge chair on the deck, Rumple lowered his sunglasses down over his eyes, shook his head and went back to playing Go Fish with Nathan and occasionally watching Belle playing with Hope in the pool. 

"Now what are they up to?" Archie asked from his chair. 

"Damned if I know," he muttered. 

Wyatt snorted from his chair. "Need a stable in this place. I'm not the pool loafing type." 

"You could've stayed back at the main house," Archie reminded him. 

"And have my wife on my ass? No thank you."

“Oh, relax Tin Man,” Ambrose said breezily. 

“I’ll be on your ass later,” DG teased. 

“Dottie!” 

“There are some things a father should not hear!” Ambrose grumbled. 

“So don’t listen,” DG retorted and laughed. 

"How did we do?" Emma asked Bae when she walked over to where they were standing. 

"Perfect. I swear they could've turned as green as your suit with envy Zelena." Bae said. 

"If looks could kill, we'd both be dead," Regina said. "Pheobe Hallivand has been glaring daggers at us since we got out of the pool. "I usually don't do stuff like this, but dammit it was fun just to see the look on that bitch's face!" 

"She's just jealous because you're a queen and she's a corpse," Robin said as he wrapped his arm around Regina's shoulders. 

"Countess Dracula," Emma joked then she, Zelena, Channon, Robin and Regina retreated to their lounge chairs while Diego excused himself to make a quick trip down to the supermarket. 

"Did you get 'em?" Bae inquired of Diego once he returned from his shopping expedition. The other man reached into the shopping bag and pulled out a handful of Baby Ruth candy bars.   
"Now how are we going to get them in the pool without anyone seeing us?" 

Henry smirked. "Leave that to me." He waved his hand and the candy bars disappeared from his hands and reappeared unwrapped in the pool. 

"I still don't see how anyone could mistake those for pieces of shit," Robin mused aloud. 

"Oh wait....we're not done yet. Go for it, Henry." Bae encouraged. Henry concentrated and part of the pool water started turning yellow and piles of toilet tissue began to appear. 

"Oh my God..." Diego gasped and burst into laughter. "They are gonna flip out!" 

"That's the idea," Robin said with a smirk.

"You ready to go swimming, Nathan?" Rumple asked his young son while they stood at the edge of the pool. The little boy shook his head.  

"Come on, Nate!" Hope called out to her brother. 

"I scared," he whimpered and buried his face in his father's leg. 

"Daddy's going to be right here, dearie," Rumple assured the toddler. "And you have your floaties on too. I'm not going to let anything bad happen, okay? We're just going get in and swim to where Mommy and Hope are."  

"I don't wanna," Nathan cried. 

Hope swam over to the edge of the pool. "Quit being a sissy!" 

"Hope Marie!" Rumple scolded his daughter. 

"Not a sissy!" Nathan said angrily. 

"Then get in!" Hope challenged. 

"Hope! Stop antagonizing your brother!" Belle snapped. 

Nathan glanced up at his father. "Wanna go in," he said. Rumple picked him up in one arm and gripped the handrail with the other and stepped into the pool. Belle waited a few feet away with Hope at her side.

"See Nate....floaties keep me up and Mommy's right here." Hope assured her brother. 

"Let's swim over to Mommy," Rumple suggested, holding his son by his waist as he set him in the water. "Okay....now move your arms and kick your feet."

"Huh?" 

"Like this Nate. Watch," Hope said, demonstrating. "You can do it." 

"Come to Mommy, Nathan," Belle encouraged, holding out her arms. 

The toddler hesitated for a moment before he started imitating his sister. 

"That's my good boy," Rumple said proudly. "Come on. Daddy's got you. A little more and we'll get to Mommy." 

"Come on Nate!" Hope cheered. 

"You hear that, Nathan? Your sister's cheering you on. Keep kicking your feet." Rumple said softly. As soon as the toddler reached his mother, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. 

"I swim to Mommy!" Nate said cheerfully. 

"Yes you did, sweetie." 

"See, I told ya you could do it," Hope taunted. Nathan blew a raspberry at her then his eyes widened when he saw something floating behind his mother's back. 

"EWWWW!" he screamed. "There's poop in the pool!" 

"Nathan, what are you....oh my God!" Belle cried, pressing her hand to her mouth in horror. "Rumple!"

Ewwww," Hope yelled. "Daddy, somebody's potty backed up in here!" 

"What's all the....oh my God!" Rumple groaned when he saw that the water was now yellow and there were several piles of toilet tissue floating in it along with...he didn't even want to think about it. He picked up his daughter and swam over to the steps while Belle followed him holding Nathan. 

Archie jumped out of his chair. "Dellia! Get Andy and Amber out of the pool!" he yelled to his wife.

"What's all the commotion....oh my God!" 

"Gross!" Andy groaned, holding his nose. 

All hell broke loose then. Suddenly everyone was making a beeline for the steps while they screamed. Rumple and Belle threw their things into their tote bags and raced out to their golf cart, her driving them back to the clubhouse while Rumple tried to comfort their terrified children. Now only Bae, Henry, Diego and Robin were left in the pool area, no longer laughing.

Rumple is going to skin all of us when he finds out," Robin muttered. "We scared his little ones half to death." 

"Yeah....we better tell him because it'll be worse if we don't," Bae admitted. 

"Are they asleep?" Rumple asked when he emerged from the shower later that day. Belle nodded and gestured to their bed where Hope and Nathan were curled up fast asleep after being given a bath. The two children were still terrified they had potty water on them even after a bath so it had taken a bit of their father's magic to put their minds at ease. 

"How did that happen, Rumple?" 

"I don't know. But I'm sure as hell going to find out," he said angrily as he stormed out of the room and back down to the pool area. It was vacant except for his sons, Robin and Henry. "Why do I get the impression the four of you have some idea what happened here?" he demanded. "Because you have guilt written all over your faces! Now how the hell did you cause the sewer to back up into the pool?" 

"It was just a few Baby Ruths, toilet paper and...ummm....a little bit of magic." Henry mumbled. 

"What?!" Rumple howled. "You idiots! You scared Hope and Nathan half to death, not to mention Belle and me with a bunch of candy bars and toilet paper?!" 

"We didn't know you were in the pool, Papa," Bae said. 

"Where did you think I would be, dearie? At my spinning wheel? I know you four have some inside joke going on but it has gone far enough!" 

They all lowered their heads in shame, even Robin much to Rumple's surprise. "You're all damned lucky I don't summon up a Bruiser of my own to tan your hides with for this little stunt. Who else is in on it?" 

"Just us...this part anyway." 

"And where did you get the idea to pull such a disgusting prank?" Rumple interrogated. 

"Caddyshack," Henry answered. 

"What? You mean one of the caddies gave you that idea?" 

"No, it's a movie. Haven't you seen it?" Henry quizzed. 

"No, I haven't, fortunately." 

"You oughta watch it," Henry suggested.

“I’d better now so I can be prepared for any more stunts ye lot pull!” 

  
**The United Realms**   
**The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille**   
**Fall, 2019**

“I watched the movie with Belle that night.” Rumple was smiling. “Two days later I was told the heads of all our families would have to appear at a board meeting.” 

“The vote was split right down the middle,” Jiminy spoke up. “Half wanted us out, the other half wanted us to stay. It was a case of old versus new money. The younger, new money generation wanted us to stay, the old guard wanted us out. But Rumple had an idea courtesy of Caddyshack that would settle it once and for all….” 

“A golf game?” Loki Laufeyson inquired. 

“Of course only we weren’t playing for money, we were playing for ownership of the club.” 

“A board of trustees owned the club. Hallivand and Morrisey were the largest shareholders and they were willing to wager their shares, confident they’d beat us in a golf game.” Jiminy explained. “They’d taken turns being club champions over the years.” 

“You could kick their asses with magic,” Thor reminded them. 

“We could, but we wanted to win the right way. Without magic.” 

**Juno Beach, Florida**   
**Summer, 2016**

“You….You…what?” Hallivand sputtered. 

“You heard me. I challenge you to a golf tournament. You and Morrisey against me and Doctor Ozopov. If you win, we leave. If you lose, you leave and this club is ours. Do we have a deal?”  

“Oh, we have a deal!” Hallivand exclaimed and shook his outstretched hand. “Better pack your bags Gold because you and those miscreants you call family will be out of here by the end of the week!” 

“Are you out of your mind?” Archie demanded when they were walking back to their cabins that evening. “They’ve won every club tournament for the last ten years and we’re not that good! Or are you suggesting we use magic?” 

“No magic. I’m going to have Henry use Aramon’s Talisman on us. We’re going to win the right way and we have three days to get ready.” 

Archie sighed. “I’d better tell Dellia I’m going to spending most of my time on the golf course.” 

True to their word, the two men spent most of the three days leading up to the game practicing and the morning of the game Rumple and Archie had their powers bound through Aramon’s Talisman. 

Rupert Hallivand felt like he was going to have a stroke when a black BMW convertible with the Rolling Stones's Sympathy For The Devil playing at the maximum volume on the stereo system came towards where he and Stewart Morrisey were standing. Rumple was behind the wheel with Archie in the front passenger seat with Diego, Robin and Henry in the backseat. Then to add insult to injury another convertible pulled up with AC/DC's "Back In Black" playing and Bae was behind the wheel with Emma in the passenger seat and Regina, Belle and Channon in the backseat. The final insult came when Charming pulled up in his own convertible with Snow in the front seat and Roland, Hope, Andy and Nathan in the backseat. Hope was grinning from ear to ear as the song had been her choice because she thought that was what her Daddy and Cousin Archie needed to tell those snobby men they were going to play golf against. 

"Are you out of your minds!" he bellowed over the loud music. "This is a golf course, not a parking lot! Now get those cars out of here!" 

Rumple pushed his sunglasses down over his eyes and glared at him. "I'll park my car where I damned well please, dearie," he said coldly as he got out of the car. "Since this club is going to be half mine by the end of the day." 

"And hell will freeze over!" Hallivand cried. "What the hell! Not another one!" 

A motorcycle sped down the course with Metallica's "Seek and Destroy" playing and came to a stop beside Rumple's car. DG giggled as she and Azkadellia removed their helmets. 

"Where are the boys?" Bae asked. 

"They're coming," DG answered with a smirk and glanced behind her to see Wyatt's truck approaching playing Toby Keith's "Beer For My Horses". Wyatt was driving while Elmer sat in the passenger seat and Jeb, Xenia, and Ambrose rode in the truckbed. DG sauntered up to the driver's window. "You bring the provisions, baby?" she asked her husband. He pointed to the truckbed. 

"Right here!" Jeb announced and held up a case of beer. 

"You...you....backwards.....this is a golf course not a goddamned tailgating party or a parking lot!" Morrisey raged. 

"Yeah, well, this is a sports event and we're tailgating!" DG retorted. "So why don't you take your stickassed selves back over there where you belong until the game starts!" 

“We’re ready!” David and Beth announced, setting up a tent on the green.

"You tell him Deege!" Henry crowed and high-fived her. 

"I am going to look forward to throwing all of your asses out of here," Hallivand hissed at Rumple before he and Morrisey walked away to join their own group of friends. 

"I hope you didn't just bring alcohol." Rumple said. 

"No...just make sure if the kids get something to drink it’s out of the blue cooler," Jeb said as he set a large blue beverage cooler down on the grass. "Kids...you have to get your drinks out of here. Okay?" he asked, patting the blue cooler. 

"Okay," Hope and Nathan said in unison. 

"Oh good, the party's just started!" Anna exclaimed as she approached with John, Michael, Wendy, Zelena, Angelo, Cyrus, Alice, and Will. Will was pulling another cooler along and Cyrus and Alice's hands and arms were loaded with shopping bags full of food. They started setting up more tents beside David and Beth’s. 

“Keep your eyes open. I wouldn’t put it past those bastards to cheat,” David informed his former SFPD colleagues. 

“We’re on it,” Hildy Mulligan assured him. 

“We gonna do the nose pick bet?” Bae asked his son. 

“Do you really think any of these so called ‘high class’ kids do it?” 

“One way to find out. Pick your kid and let’s wager!” 

“I’m in. How much?” Jeb asked, pulling his wallet out of his jeans. 

“You got fifty bucks?” 

“I’m a sheriff’s deputy. Twenty!” 

“Okay pick your kid.” 

“Diego, what are they betting on?” David asked him. 

“Bettin to see which one of those kids picks their noses.”

Beth and David started laughing. “I’ll watch the grill, you know who to put the money on!” Beth instructed her husband. 

“Twenty on Brett Hallivand,” David announced, slapping a twenty dollar bill in Bae’s hand. 

“Hallivand’s grandson?” 

“Yep.” 

“Does he do it?” 

“Yep.” 

“Okay, gimme twenty on the Hallivand kid!” Henry announced, thrusting a bill at his father. Soon some of the other men joined in. 

“Are ye lot betting whether we win or lose?” Rumple demanded of his son. 

“No. On which one of the spoiled rich kids picks their nose. Brett Hallivand is the favorite. You want to place a wager.” 

Rumple frowned. “I’ll pass.” 

“We gonna double it if he eats it?” 

“Hell yeah!” 

Soon it was time for the game to start and people started showing up on the course. Rumple and Archie were surprised that there were more people on their side than they’d expected enjoying refreshments from their family members’ tents. 

Even after all their practicing, Archie and Rumple had three difficult holes and were three points behind Morrisey and Hallivand by the time they reached the twelfth hole. Meanwhile some of the men in the betting poll excused themselves and hid in the bushes to spy on the younger men and boys in Hallivand and Morrisey’s camp. 

“Okay here goes,” David laughed from his hiding place with Bae, Robin, Diego and Henry watching Hallivand’s grandson Brett.  

“He’s not gonna do it!” Bae taunted. 

“Come on, come on…” David urged as the boy’s finger inched toward his nose. 

“He’s gonna do it!” Henry chuckled. 

“Come on, come on yeah!” David cheered, holding out his hand. Bae slapped a bill in it. “Double or nothing he eats it!” 

“Oh come on! We wouldn’t get that lucky!” Diego exclaimed. 

“He’s gonna do it!” Robin laughed. 

“Come on…yeah! Pay up Bae!” 

“Damn!” Bae added more bills to the growing pile in David’s hand. “How’d you know he was gonna do it?” 

“Because he did at the last fundraiser Beth and I went to!”   
The pressure was on by the time they reached the final hole. If Rumple was able to sink his ball, he and Archie would win the tournament by one point. 

"You can do it, Rumple," Archie encouraged. Rumple took a deep breath and swung the club. The ball crept slowly towards the hole, seeming to hover over the rim. 

No, no...come on you son of a bitch! he thought angrily tempted to use his magic to force it in only to remember that he'd asked Henry to remove it for the duration of the game. He lowered his head and looked away. Suddenly the crowd behind him started cheering and when he turned back to see what was going on Belle threw herself into his arms. 

"You did it, Rumple! You did it!" she cried. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Hallivand throw down his golf club and start cursing a blue streak. Morrisey simply shook his head and walked away. 

"No, sweetheart, we did it," he said as he they walked over to where Archie stood with his arms full of Az. Rumple held out his hand. "Thank you." 

"We're family." 

"Well, dearie," Rumple said to Hallivand when he approached him, "We'll be discussing the sale of this club tomorrow morning....in my office." 

"Oh, no we won't." 

"Oh yes we will because no one breaks a deal with me!" Rumple hissed. "And you'll be wanting to keep this one if you want to continue your fancy lifestyle. You understand me?" 

The other man paled. "What time?" 

Rumple glanced over at Archie. "Nine sound okay to you, Archie?" 

Archie grinned. "Perfect." 

Hallivand glared at them and led his wife and their group of friends away. 

"Hey everybody. We're all gonna get laid!" Henry announced. 

"What was that coming out of your mouth, Henry Mills Gold?" Rumple asked as he spun around to face his grandson while the others started laughing. 

"Nothing." 

"You want to try that again, dearie?" Rumple asked icily. "And you lot," he said, glaring at his sons, Robin and DG. "Should not be letting him watch R rated movies that he goes around quoting thinking I won't be able to figure it out." 

"Oh come on, Papa, it was funny as hell," Bae chuckled. "And besides, you and Archie earned yourselves a victory celebration." 

"And," Belle murmured as she snuck up behind her husband and put her arms around his waist, nuzzling his neck. "I have just the celebration in mind. What do you say we go back to the clubhouse and spend the rest of the day in bed?" she whispered. He spun around and drew her into his arms for a kiss. 

"That sounds good to me, sweetheart." He looked back at the laughing group. "Not one word!" he warned with a grin, having a good idea what most of them were going to say. 

"Ummm…Grandpa, before you go..." Henry waved his hand and the Strogoff Emerald appeared. Rumple took it in his hand. The stone began to glow as it returned his magic back to him. When it stopped, he handed it back to Henry who then restored Archie’s magic. 

"Thank you Henry," Rumple said and led his wife away. 

"Well, what do you say we have a little victory celebration of our own?" Archie asked Az. She held out her hand. 

"Lead on darling," she purred. He linked his arm through hers and followed Rumple and Belle back to the clubhouse. 

Archie was laughing when he kicked open the door of his and Az's room with her in his arms. 

"I can just imagine the looks on Hallivand and Morrisey's faces right now. I can't believe we pulled it off!" he said as he deposited Az on the bed and kissed her. 

"I knew you could," Az said confidently. "You fought off armies of rebels. This was a walk in the park." 

"I am so proud of you," Belle said softly as she and Rumple lay in their bed in each other's arms. 

"I was worried for a minute," Rumple confessed. "Not just for me but for Archie too. This tournament wasn't just about getting back at those people for being rude to us...it was proving to myself that I could win...without magic. 

"I know...and you did it the right way. Just like you promised." 

Bae, Henry and Diego stepped out into the middle of the course and started imitating the gopher's dance from the movie as they sang the movie's theme song and it wasn't long before the others started joining in. 

"I'm alright   
 Don't nobody worry about me   
You got to gimme a fight  
Why can't you just let me be ….” 

**The United Realms**   
**The Spinning Wheel Bar and Grille**   
**Fall, 2019**

“…What’s this gopher dance you’re talking about?” Loki Odinson inquired of his counterpart. Loki Laufeyson grinned, waved his hand and shifted into a gopher. He hopped onto the bar and started dancing. Thor gestured and Kenny Loggins’ ‘I’m Alright’ was now playing on the jukebox.

“That looks like fun!” Loki Odinson laughed and turned himself into a gopher, joining his counterpart on the bar while the other men in the bar started singing. 

“Some Cinderella kid  
Get it up and get you a job  
Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip, dip

I'm alright  
Nobody worry 'bout me  
Why you got to gimme a fight  
Can't you just let it be…” 

 


End file.
